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We're peddling puns in the Alley

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By Dick Frank

Today is National Bike to Work Day. Celebrate by getting out your bicycle and riding it to work – or someplace. By continuing this every day you will be in great physical shape and save a bundle of gasoline money at the same time.

Bicycle stories and thoughts about gasoline permeate today’s Pun Alley.

Up and Down

Panting and perspiring, two blondes on a tandem bicycle at last got to the top of a hill. “That was a steep climb,” said the first blonde.

“It certainly was,” replied the second. “It’s a good thing I kept the brake on so we wouldn’t slide backward.”

On the other side of the hill they were speeding down a twisting road when along came a man driving very slowly uphill toward them, honking his horn and shouting, “Pig! Pig!”

The blondes shouted back some uncouth comments as they whizzed by. Around the next curve and the girls promptly collided with a pig.

Luck is Relative

A pedestrian stepped off the curb into the road and promptly got knocked flat by a passing bicycle rider. “You were really lucky there,” the cyclist said.

“What on earth are you talking about? That really hurt!” the pedestrian said, still on the pavement rubbing his head.

“Well, usually I drive a SUV,” the cyclist replied.

Gas Fumes

There was a sign at the gas station near by my house that said, “We take Visa, Master Card, Discover Card, and American Express.” After I filled up they took my Visa, Master Card, my Discover Card, and my American Express.

They said on the news tonight that if gas prices get any higher, we could see something totally unprecedented – people actually walking.

Gas prices continue to rise. At the gas station near my house they have a slot for your credit card and one right next to it for your 401K.

President Bush announced his plan to increase the number of barrels of oil produced. You hear his plan? He wants to make smaller barrels.

I was watching that movie Mad Max, you know that movie where gas is so precious that people are killing each other for a few gallons. It was set in the future – I believe it is August.

President Bush announced his new fitness plan to get people walking again. It’s called, “Gasoline at $4 a gallon.”

Gas is so expensive that SUV now stands for sport utility victim.

President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn’t want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn’t upset about the high price of gas.

Given how expensive gas is, I saw a van with 50 legal Americans inside it.

Bicycle Built for Who?

A tandem rider was stopped by a police car. “What’ve I done, officer?” asked the rider.

“Perhaps you didn’t notice sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back.”

“Oh, thank God for that,” the rider said, “I thought I’d gone deaf!”

In the Doghouse

“I’ve really had it with my dog. He’ll chase anyone on a bike.”

“So what are you going to do – leave him at the pound? Sell him?”

“No, nothing that drastic, I’ll just take away his bike.”

Broken Links

The salesman in the bicycle store peddles bikes.

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Someone who makes bicycle wheels is a spokes person.

Two bicycles welded together are known as Siamese Schwinns.

“I’m talking to you,” said the mute bicycle repairman as he fixed his wheel and spoke.

Our bank manager hasn’t been able to ride a bike since he lost his balance.

Freud had a bicycle as a child, and he often took it apart as he was very interested in what made it work. This began his interest in cycle analysis.

More Cycle Analysis

A man went to his doctor. “If I see someone riding a bike when I’m walking down the street, I get this terrible urge to throw myself under the wheels. Do you think I’m mad?”

The doctor thought for a moment, then replied, “No, you’re just a cycle path.”

The cycle paths I like are the dirt bicycle trails in the Greenway just south of Oak Run where Jane and I live. Send your puns and jokes to dickjfrank@yahoo.com or via snail mail to the Citizen office.