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Some of my best friends are (snow) flakes

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By Dick Frank

Officially winter is still more than a week away, but we have had our share of abnormal low temperatures for quite a while now with no letup in sight. Perhaps when winter does get here we will have some warmer weather. Then, as Floridians, we can talk about how cold it’s been.

Many of us were originally from somewhere in the North and can remember a parent or grandparent talking about how cold it was in the old days. They would say it was so cold:

We had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues.

Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs.

Roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker.

The optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.

Kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: “But Mom, my pajamas haven’t thawed out yet.”

Pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers’ pockets just to keep them warm.

When we milked the cows we got ice cream. When we milked the brown cows we got chocolate ice cream.

Grandpa’s teeth were chattering – in the glass.

The country store was serving coffee on a stick.

We had to chop up the piano for firewood, but we only got two chords.

I chipped a tooth on my soup.

Words froze in the air. If you wanted to hear what someone said, you had to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire.

We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up.

The Husky Association was making emergency service calls to get the dog teams started.

My mail broke when I tried to pry open the envelope.

Politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

When we parked the sled, we had to keep the dogs running in place.

I actually enjoyed it when someone spilled scalding hot coffee on my lap.

My dental fillings became dislodged due to the constant shivering!

A streaker froze in mid-streak. The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring.

When I got sick Mom had to give me a block of chicken soup.

We didn’t clean the house – we just defrosted it.

It’s All Relative

At 60 degrees, Floridians turn on the heat while Minnesotans plant gardens. At 50, Californians shiver uncontrollably; people sunbathe in Duluth. At 40, Floridians wear gloves in their heated cars; Minnesotans drive with the sunroof open. At 32, water freezes while Alaskan water just gets thicker.

When it’s 20 in New York, landlords finally turn on the heat and people in Minnesota have one last cookout before it gets cold. At 10, Californians fly away to Mexico; Minnesotans close the windows.

At 10 below zero Minnesotans dig their winter coats out of storage, but their Girl Scouts are still selling cookies door to door. When it reaches 40 below, Washington, D.C. finally runs out of hot air; people in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.

At 100 below, Santa Claus abandons the North Pole and Minnesotans get upset because the car won’t start.

Snowflakes

The weather is great. My car won’t start running and my nose won’t stop.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

When Bush heard that Colorado is the snowboarding capital he asked if snowboarding was how they tortured people during the winter months.

Two blondes froze to death at the drive in. They went to see “Closed For Winter.”

We should all take a lesson from the snowflake. No two of them are alike; yet observe how well they cooperate on major projects, such as tying up traffic.

Slippery Slopes

As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the flight attendant, “What’s that stuff all over those hills?”

“Just snow,” replied the flight attendant.

“That’s what I thought,” said the lady, “but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece.”

Some time ago I ended Pun Alley with, “Dick spent his working years inflecting puns on his coworkers.” A former coworker, O.J. Vandermeiden, who reads Pun Alley via the Internet, caught the typo and replied, “There was a certain amount of inflection when you delivered a pun but, from your coworkers perspective, you were obviously inflicting puns on them.” Thanks go to O.J. for his astute observation. Dick and Jane live in Oak Run.