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Santa brought us a gift of gags

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By Dick Frank

With Christmas less than a week away, shopping should be completed, decorations should be strung and blinking, and plans for the holiday finalized. However, there are always a few who wait for the last moment to buy those special gifts.

Wander through our Punny Mall for some practical gift-giving advice.

String Her Along

A movie producer was telling a friend about giving his girl friend a string of pearls for Christmas.

“Why,” said the friend, “don’t you give her something practical, like an automobile?”

The producer smiled and replied, “Did you ever hear of a faux automobile?”

Wrapped With Care

Looking for an inexpensive gift for a friend a tightwad entered a gift shop but found everything too expensive. Pricing a glass vase that had been broken, he found that he could buy it for almost nothing.

He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit.

In due time he received an acknowledgment: “Thanks for the vase,” it read, “and it was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately.”

His and Hers

A pastor got a note accompanying a box of Christmas goodies addressed to him and his wife from an elderly woman in the parish.

“Dear Pastor: Knowing that you do not eat sweets, I am sending candy to your wife and nuts to you.”

A Politically Correct

Night Before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck,

How to live in a world that’s politically correct?

His workers no longer would answer to “elves,”

“vertically challenged” they were calling themselves.

Labor conditions at the North Pole,

were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,

released to the wilds by the Humane Society.

Equal employment had made it quite clear,

that Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,

were replaced with four pigs, and that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;

the ruts were termed dangerous by the EPA.

And people had started to call for the cops,

when they heard sled noises on their rooftops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers frightened,

his fur trimmed red suit was called “unenlightened.”

And as for the gifts, why, he’d ne’er had a notion,

that making a choice could cause so much commotion.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute,

nothing to aim, nothing to shoot,

nothing that clamored or made lots of noise,

nothing for just girls or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,

nothing that’s warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets, they were bad for the tooth,

nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.

No baseball, no football ... someone could get hurt,

besides, playing sports exposes kids to dirt.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed,

he just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,

you’ve got to be careful with that word today.

His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground,

nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might,

give to all without angering the left or the right.

So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth,

“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.”

Christians know that the special gift is Jesus Christ and that Christmas is the time to commemorate his birth, for without Christ there would be no Christmas. Oak Run residents Dick and Jane Frank wish you all merry Christmas.