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Punny cures for what ails you

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By Dick Frank

When seniors get together at club meetings, in the pool or casually meeting at the mall there are two favorite subjects for discussion. The first is always where to eat and the second what doctors have they visited lately.

Last week’s Pun Alley covered restaurants and food. So, today, our trip down Pun Alley stops at the nearest doctor’s office for some stories that may whack your funny bone.

Quick Letdown

The nurse was thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, she came upon the following garbled diagnosis: “This man has pholenfrometry.”

Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she checked with the doctor. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.

“This man,” he said, translating for her, “has fallen from a tree.”

That’s the Breaks

While making rounds, a doctor pointed out an X-ray to a group of medical students. “As you can see,” he said, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched. Michael, what would you do in a case like this?”

“Well,” pondered the student, “I suppose I’d limp too.”

Quick Shots

Doctor, am I getting better?”

I don’t know. Let me feel your purse.”

“Doctor my child just swallowed a pen. What should I do?”

“Use a pencil.”

“Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.”

“Well then pull yourself together.”

“Doctor, people tell me I’m a wheelbarrow.”

“Don’t let people push you around.”

“Doctor, my little boy’s swallowed a bullet. What shall I do?”

“Well, for a start, don’t point him at me.”

“Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam.”

“You’re too tense.”

“Doctor, I can’t get to sleep.”

“Sit on the edge of the bed and you’ll soon drop off.”

“Doctor, doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up another point?”

“Sell!”

“Doctor, what should I take when I get run down?”

“The license number.”

“Doctor, you’ve got to help me. I think I’m a kleptomaniac.”

“Don’t worry. I think there’s something you can take for that.”

“Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a spoon.”

“Sit there and don’t stir.”

Doc, don’t you think I should get a second opinion?”

“Sure. Come back tomorrow.”

“Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a billiard ball.”

“Get back in the queue.”

“Doctor, should I file my nails?”

“No. Throw them away like everybody else.”

“Doctor, doctor, how can I avoid falling hair?”

“Step to one side.”

Suitable Solution

A man went to the doctor because he had popped eyes and a ringing in his ears. The doctor prescribed several different kinds of pills.

When none of them helped, the patient consulted another doctor who tried more prescriptions, but the man’s eyes still popped and the ringing in his ears continued.

A third doctor told him bluntly, “You’ve got six months to live.”

In that event, the doomed man decided he’d enjoy himself while he could. He bought a flashy car, had the best tailor in town to make him several suits, and decided his shirts would be made-to-order.

“Okay,” said the tailor, “let’s get your shirt measurement. Hmm, 34 sleeve, 16 collar”

“Fifteen,” the man said.

“Sixteen collar,” the tailor repeated, measuring again.

“But I’ve always worn a 15-in. collar,” said the man.

“Listen,” the tailor said, “I’m warning you. You keep on wearing a 15 collar and your eyes will pop and you’ll have ringing in your ears.”

Earful

“Doctor, You’ve gotta help me!” cried the scared woman. “I have a piece of lettuce stuck in my ear!”

“That looks nasty,” commented the nurse.

“Nasty” replied the doctor. “You haven’t seen anything yet.”

“What do you mean?” asked the nurse and alarmed patient, in unison.

“This is just the tip of the iceberg!” replied the doctor.

The Nanny

Patient: “I can’t stop thinking I’m a goat.”

Doctor: “How long have you had this problem?”

Patient: “Ever since I was a kid.”

It’s Going Around

Doctor: “What seems to be the problem?”

Patient: “I have a sore throat, I ache and have a fever.”

Doctor: “Sounds like some kind of virus.”

Patient: “Everyone in the office has it.”

Doctor: “Well then, it may be a staff infection.”

Whatever it is, it’s been going around our area also, with many friends having something bugging them. Oak Run residents Dick and Jane Frank wish them well with a speedy recovery.