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Pun Alley05-20-2011

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Meditating on some funny answers this month

By Dick Frank

Last week I mentioned I was relaxing around the swimming pool contemplating life. Right after that I found out that May is National Meditation Month. So, all week long I have been engaged in thought, contemplation, and thinking about those who engage in transcendental meditation.

Active Life

Two middle-aged women met on the street. "How are you?" asked one of them.

"Fine, thanks," replied the other.

"How's your son doing? Is he still unemployed?"

Yes. But he's meditating now."

"Meditating? What's that?"

"I don't know," answered the woman with a shrug. "But at least it's better than sitting around and doing nothing!"

Pizza complete

The Yogi walked into the Pizza Parlor and requested, "Make me one with everything." When he got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?"

The proprietor said, "Change must come from within.”

One Difficult Question

An employment interviewer said, "Tell me your choice. I can either ask you ten easy questions or one very difficult question. Think hard before you make up your mind."

"Ummm, I'd like one very difficult question."

"You have made your own choice. Good luck to you. Tell me which comes first, day or night?"

"The day, sir."

"And how did you reach that conclusion?"

"Sorry, sir. You said you would ask only one difficult question. I don’t have to answer that."

Passing thoughts

When asked what gift he wanted for his birthday, the yogi replied "I wish no gifts, only presence"

When Eskimos get from meditate on the ice too long they get Polaroids.

Sign on the door of a meditation center: Out of body. Back in twenty minutes.

If you ever decide to kill someone, make sure you don’t do your yoga first. That pre-meditation thing makes a big difference in a court of law.

Don't just do something -- Sit there!

When two psychic friends met, one said, "You are fine. How am I?"

Grandparents are people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Horse sense is simply stable thinking.

A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper, “I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I discovered he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?”

In a democracy you can say what you think without thinking.

I think I’m a wit. My wife tells me I'm half right.

"Do you really love me, or do you just think so?" he asked.

"Yes, honey, I really do love you," she replied. "I haven't done any thinking at all about it, yet."

Loving wife

Earl and Bubba were quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba said, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spit overboard, took a long, slow sip of beer and said, "Better think it over, women like that are hard to find."

Solid opinion

One Sunday a pollster called a man and woke him up from a good nap.  The man was in a bad mood.  The pollster asked him, "What do you think is America's greatest afternoon problem?  Ignorance or apathy?"

The man said, "I don't know and I don't care!"

Testy

Fred and Martha had applied for jobs at a large company and had to take an intelligence test. Though both of them found the test a breeze, they admitted to being momentarily stumped by the final question: "Name a 14-letter word for someone in charge of a plant."

"How did you answer that last one?" asked Fred. "I thought it was tough at first but I thought of ‘Superintendent.’"

"I think I got it right too," Martha said. "I wrote down ‘Horticulturist.’"

Typical politics

It was a bitter election campaign, and the candidate was dashing hither and yon madly. He was rushing from his office to address a meeting. On his way down the hall he was stopped by a friend who asked, "Well, what do you think about the political situation now?"

"Don't bother me!" screamed the candidate. "I've got to talk. This is no time to think."

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.