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Pun Alley 8-19-2011

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Seniors have their day

By Dick Frank

In 1988 Congress, by a House Joint Resolution, designated this coming Sunday, Aug. 21, to be “National Senior Citizens Day.” President Reagan then issued a proclamation calling upon the people of the United States to observe the day with appropriate ceremonies and activities.
Of course, appropriate activities for Pun Alley are some senior stories.
Senile?
A couple, married as childhood sweethearts 60 years ago, had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. On their anniversary they walked back to their old school and reminisced about their teen romance.
On their walk back home a bag of money fell out of an armored car. Sally quickly picked it up and they took it home. Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She hid the moneybag in the attic.
The next day, two policemen were looking for the money and knocked on their door. “Pardon me, but you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No.”
Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
Sally said, “Don’t believe him; he’s getting senile.”
The policemen turned to Andy and began to question him. One said, “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday...”
The first officer turned to his partner and said, “We’re outta here!”
Finally qualified
The department store clerk approached the personnel manager with some hesitation and said, “I think I will retire soon. My doctor told me that my hearing is going fast and I know I don’t hear many of the customers.”
The manager replied, “Please stay. You’re now qualified for the compliant department.”
Senior moments
An archaeologist is the best husband any lady can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
You’re over the hill when your back goes out more than you do.
It’s not true that women change their minds frequently. Ask one her age and she will tell you the same answer for several years.
Growing older is merely a matter of feeling your corns rather than feeling your oats.
I’m not getting old. My mirror is just getting wrinkled.
A man’s life is 20 years of having his mother ask him where he is going, 40 years of having his wife ask the same question and, at the end, having the mourners wondering too.
If you’re yearning for the good old days, just turn off the air conditioning.
The age of some women is like the odometer on a used car; you know it’s set back, but you don’t know how far.
Aging is the only available way to live a long time.
Seniors shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.
Don’t complain about growing old; many people don’t have that privilege.
One nice thing about being old. As the noise level goes up, your hearing goes down.
Pulling his leg
On examining a senior, the doctor said, “that pain in your leg is caused by old age.” The senior replied, “don’t be silly. My other leg is the same age and it doesn’t hurt at all.”
When?
An irate customer called the newspaper office and loudly demanded, “Where Is my Sunday paper?”
“Ma’am,” said the newspaper employee, “Today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.”
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the line, followed by a sense of recognition as she muttered, “Well, so that’s why no one was at church today.”
Hairy decision
Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club. “We’re supposed to wear something that matches our husband’s hair, so I’m wearing black,” said Mrs. Smith.
“Oh my,” said Mrs. Jones, “I’d better not go.”
Which way?
The elderly woman at the nursing home received a visit from a church member. “How are you feeling?” the visitor asked.
“Oh,” said the lady, “I’m just worried sick!”
“What are you worried about, dear?” her friend asked.
“The lady slowly explained her major worry, “Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I’m afraid they’re all wondering where I went.”
Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.