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Pun Alley 8-16-2013

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School days, dear old golden rule days

By Dick Frank

On Monday those big yellow vehicles will again appear on the roads indicating that school has started. It’s important for everyone to watch out for school buses stopping and starting, as well as for children crossing roads and streets.
Tales being told out of school have already found their way to Pun Alley.

Get up
One early morning a lady went in to wake up her son and said, “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school!”
The son replied, “But why Mom? I don’t want to go.”
“Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go.”
“Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!”
Mom said, “That’s no reason to not go to school. Come on now and get ready.”
The son said, “Give me two reasons why I should go to school.”
“Well, for one, you’re 52 years old. And for another, you’re the Principal!”

Iron man
Last year a high school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, the teacher found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with paperwork at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up the stapler from his desk and stapled his tie to his chest. After that, he had no discipline problems with any of his students that term.

Short subjects
The nurse went to art school because she wanted to learn how to draw blood.
The nursery school teacher was a hero because she stopped a kid napping.
Carpenter students go to boarding school.
In medical school he worried about passing as a surgeon, but he made the cut.
The insect that earned an A in English class was a spelling bee.
The music teacher gave each of her students a small piece of paper to see if they could hold a note.
I went to school to become a wit, but only got halfway through.
One mother to another: “I never realized the value of education until the children went back to school.”

Real vacuum
A high school science class was learning about how sound travels. “If you’re in a vacuum, and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” the teacher inquired.
One eager boy raised his hand. “That depends,” he answered. “Is it on or off?’

Earful
A representative from a prestigious music school paid a visit to the home of a potential student, a boy whose parents claimed he was a very gifted pianist. When the boy sat down to play for the scout, he began banging either side of his head on the keys repeatedly. Confused, the scout asked the boy’s parents if there was something wrong. “Oh no,” replied his mother, “he usually plays by ear.”

New teacher
After being interviewed by the school administration, the new teaching prospect said, “Let me see if I’ve got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every waking moment with a love for learning. And I’m supposed to modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their t-shirt messages and dress habits.
You want me to wage a war on drugs, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self-esteem. You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.
I am to maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, offer advice, and communicate regularly with the parents by letter, telephone, and report card.
All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile and on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps. You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me not to pray?”
I think teachers need all the prayer we can give them. They have a major part in forging the character and future of our youngsters.