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Pun Alley 6-22-2012

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Enjoy some hot summer stories

By Dick Frank

It’s hot and humid. We don’t need the calendar to tell us that summer started this last Wednesday. Grab a cool one, take a seat and enjoy some hot stories.

Banded
Just before the end to the school year, the teacher had opened the band room windows to get some needed ventilation when a large insect flew into the room. The students tried to ignore the buzzing intruder, but eventually one student, Tommy, could stand it no more. He rolled up his music book and swatted the insect and then stomped on it to ensure its fate.
“Is it a bee,” another student asked.
“Nope,” Tommy replied. “Bee flat.”

For the birds
One evening an avid bird watcher stood in his backyard and heard an owl hoot. So he thought he’d give a hoot back. To his surprise and delight the bird hooted again. The next night the same scenario occurred. All summer, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in inter-species communication, his wife, had a chat with her next-door neighbor. “My husband spends his nights calling to owls,” the wife commented.
“That’s odd,” the neighbor replied. “So does my husband.”

Air or heir?
Married life seemed to have worn him down, so he went to his doctor for a check-up. “There’s nothing radically wrong with you,” the doctor said after a thorough examination, “all you need is a little sun and air.”
“Yes, I suppose you’re right,” said the patient, “but my wife’s dead set against having any children.”

Summertime

Computer geeks will not be competing in this year’s summer Olympics in London because the Olympic committee refused to add a floppy discus competition.
Surfing must be a religion to some kids; they do it kneeling.
Isn’t it great to get out on the old golf course again and lie in the sun?
Summer is the time when it is too hot to do the jobs it was too cold to do in winter.
Gulls are named seagulls because if they were by the bay, they’d be bagels.
In the winter Joe’s dog wears his coat, but in the summer he wears his coat and pants.
While sitting in the sun reading a book this summer a lot of folks will become well red.
We recently went to a seaside resort for a change and a rest. The maid got the change and hotel got the rest.
“You say you saw a lot of her this summer?”
“Yes, I met her a number of times down at the bathing beach.”

Too much
On their annual summer eating tour, veteran overeaters Mike and Monica were thrilled with the street vendors in Philadelphia, which allowed them to stuff their faces while they waddled from street corner to street corner. Mike, ever the joker, walked backward across Market Street with a hot dog stuck in each ear, commenting that a frank with the works sure sounded good, and thus, didn’t hear Monica’s anguished cry, “Watch out for the hoagie car, Michael.”

Fractured

Summer vacation was near and the teacher was trying to give her class an impression of fractions that would last until school resumed. She told them they could think of fractions at home as well as in school and gave such examples as “half a sandwich,” “a quarter of a pie” and “tenth part of a dollar.”
At that point one little boy caught on and proudly contributed, “My father came home last night with a fifth.”

Jumpy
Tom was one of the last patrons to leave the local tavern one summer night, and he took his usual shortcut through the cemetery. It was a very dark night, and, he tumbled into a freshly dug grave.
He was not hurt, but the hole was too deep and the ground too soft for him to climb out. He curled up in a corner to wait for daybreak and the arrival of the cemetery crew.
 He dozed off.
The guy who must have been the last to leave the tavern came down the same path, and he too tumbled in. Tom woke up as this new fellow jumped and clawed at the sides, trying futilely to climb out.
Finally, Tom said, “You know, you can’t get out that way.” But he did.
Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.