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Pun Alley

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A 21-pun salute to honor veterans

By Dick Frank

Next Thursday is Veterans Day, a holiday to honor America’s veterans for their patriotism, love of country, and willingness to serve and sacrifice for the common good. It is also celebrated as Armistice Day or Remembrance Day in other parts of the world, falling on November 11, the anniversary of the signing of the armistice that ended World War I.

Our parade down Pun Alley starts with a 21-pun salute to honor our veterans.

When hostile armies were preparing to storm the bridge to his castle, the king said to his wife, “Hand me the moat control.”

The umpire who joined the Army was moved from base to base.

Only in America do we have a General in charge of the post office and a Secretary in charge of defense.

An artist with the military kept drawing enemy fire.

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I’m OK, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

Eisenhower always spoke to his troops in general terms.

A politician finally got to speak at a banquet where a general and an admiral had preceded him at unwonted length. The politician first words were that now he knew the true meaning of the phrase, “The Army and Navy forever.”

War is something that knocks the “l” out of glory.

The accusations were flying when the military installation packed up and moved out of our town. It was totally baseless.

Military cadet: “I’m a West Pointer.”

Unimpressed young lady: “I don’t care if you’re an Irish setter.”

I used to date a telephone operator but we broke up. I felt disconnected and she had too many hang-ups.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I’m not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance she leaned over and pushed me.

He stared at his belly button so much he was promoted to Navel Officer.

A woman was in love with twenty soldiers. It was platoonic.

When young sportswriters start out in Chicago, they often cover Wrigley Field as Cub reporters.

A chaplain on the sea leads the soldiers in their warship.

The Junior NCO had sore wrists. The doctor said it was corporal tunnel syndrome.

The military head is seeking more arms.

A number of eye doctors live to a ripe old age. They dilate.

The army pastry chef was very smart. In college he was a member of Pie Baker Kappa.

Naval change

After being at sea for a long time the Captain inspected his sailors, and afterward told the Chief Boatswain that his men smelled bad and ordered that the sailors should change underwear occasionally. The Chief responded, “Aye, aye sir, I’ll see to it immediately!” The Chief went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, “The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear.” He continued, “Pittman, you change with Jones; McCarthy, you change with Witkowski; and Brown, you change with Schultz. Now get to it!”

The moral of the story is that someone may come along and promise “change,” but don’t count on things smelling any better.

Dirty thinking

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, the Marine called his wife and said he would be late again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon’s quarters and they had to police the area. The wife launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at his previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial. He calmly listened to her gripes and then explained, “Dirty magazines means the clips from their rifles had not been properly cleaned.”

Messing around

The showgirls had entertained the troops all afternoon at a remote army base. After the performance, the major asked, “Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers?”

“It doesn’t matter,” one bold girl replied. “But we would like something to eat first.”

Contingency

Some friends were hoping their second child would be a girl and they even had a name picked out. The ultrasound didn’t reveal the baby’s sex, though, and since the expectant father had orders from the Navy to ship out before the due date, he told his wife, “We’d better pick out a boy’s name, just in case.” When it was time for him to report for duty, they hadn’t discussed it again. At sea a few weeks later, he got notification that his son, Justin Kase, had been born.

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.