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Pun Alley

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The bears have arrived

By Dick Frank

For the last two years, bears have bothered a friend of mine who summers in the eastern Tennessee mountains. Last August he killed a bear that had pulled over a peach tree and this year an extremely aggressive bear chased him indoors. Consequently, bears have arrived in the Alley.

Bear with us

My friend previously had a neighbor, an atheist, who enjoyed hiking through the woods, admiring nature. On one such jaunt this neighbor heard rustling in the bushes. As he turned, he saw a huge bear charging him.

Running away he tripped and fell. He rolled over to pick himself up and saw the bear right on top of him raising his paw to kill him. At that instant he cried out “Oh my God!”

Just then time stopped. The bear froze and the forest was silent.

A bright light shone on the man, and a voice came out of the sky saying, “You deny my existence all these years and now you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist, ever proud, looked to the light and said, “It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but could you make the bear a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the voice.

As the light went out and the sounds of the forest resumed, the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke, “Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive.”

Forever bear

Game wardens usually don’t frequent the remote parts of the eastern Tennessee mountains. Just to be on the safe side Jake went hunting with a marriage license. He caught a bear and a game warden showed up asking him to show his license. So Jake, a clever one, showed him the marriage license.

“What happened?”

“He had to marry the bear.”

Bear tracks

Another result of global warming is that pedestrians in Iqaluit are now being pestered by polar bears panhandling for spare ice.

A grizzly without teeth is a gummy bear.

A couple of men were sitting around swapping stories. “Have you ever hunted bear?” asked the one.

“No,” replied the other, “but I’ve gone fishing in nothing but shorts.”

There’s a difference between good sound reasons and reasons that sound good.

It is so hot that there have been sightings of polar bears in Speedos.

Wanted: Newspaper needs freelance writer to cover zoo story about a mother bear about to have babies. Applicant must be willing to start as a cub reporter.

A lady never crumples her bread or rolls in her soup.

Bears vote at the north poll.

There is an amazing new discovery. It’s a pill that is half aspirin and half glue for people who have splitting headaches.

A bear walked into a bar and said to the bartender, “I’ll have a gin.........................and tonic.”

The Bartender said, “What’s with the big pause?”

The bear answered, “I don’t know. My father had them, too!”

Bearly useful

Internationally famous arm wrestling championships are regularly held in Williston and many have heard about the man who was the perennial arm wrestling champion year after year until one fateful day when he lost his wrestling arm in a terrible accident. This put him into a deep depression, forlorn at the prospect of never again competing at the sport he deeply loved.

A world-class surgeon in Gainesville heard of his plight. Moved with compassion he offered to perform restorative surgery, but with an unusual twist. He reasoned that if a pig’s or baboon’s heart could so successfully be transplanted into humans, he would transplant a bear’s foreleg to our poor arm wrestling champ, giving him another chance to complete.

The surgery was a huge success and the man soon re-entered competition, soundly beating anyone who dared to challenge him. He so quickly and bruisingly dispatched his opponents that they banded together and appealed to the United States Arm Wrestling Committee, claiming that this man’s transplanted arm gave him an unfair advantage. They wanted him disqualified and barred from any further competition.

The committee’s answer was swift and brief. They noted that it would be a gross violation of this man’s civil liberties to forbid him from competing. They called particular attention to the fact that every American citizen clearly has the constitutional right to bear arms.

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.