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Pun Alley 5-10-2013

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Getting to the heart of it

By Dick Frank

Once a year I go to my cardiologist; today’s the day. His office is on the second floor. If I make it up the stairs I figure I’m good for another year. While recuperating in the waiting room I always hear some heart-rending stories.

The heart of the matter
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The mechanic shouted, “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?” The cardiologist walked to where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $35,000 a year and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The cardiologist smiled, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it with the engine running.”

Can’t buck

The doctor told a man needing a heart transplant that the only heart available was from a sheep. The man finally agreed and the doctor transplanted the sheep heart into the man.
The man came in for a checkup several weeks after the operation. The doctor asked him “How are you feeling?”
The man replied, “Not baaaad!”

Real operation
A cardiologist developed an operating procedure that would cut down the time that surgery would take and would reduce patient pain. When he presented it at a convention he was paid $50,000. The cardiologist did a few more presentations and decided to devote full time to the lecture series, so he hired a driver and purchased a limousine.
One day, after he’d been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver said to him, “This is completely unfair.”
“What do you mean?” the surgeon asked. “Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and that’s more than I get in a year,” replied the driver.
The surgeon said that it’s a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture.
“That’s not true. I have seen you do it so many times that I know it by heart,” replied the driver.
“Well if that’s the case, I’ll tell you what. You do this lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right.” the surgeon retorted.
The driver replied, “Ok. You’re on.”
At the lecture hall the surgeon and the driver changed coats and the surgeon put on the driver’s hat and sat in the back of the room.
The driver nailed the presentation. Not only that, he also answered questions without any problems. Just when the driver thought he was done, an audience member asked a complex question that the driver couldn’t answer.
The driver said, “I have done this lecture 287 times and I have never been asked such a simple question. It’s so easy that I am going to let my driver answer it.”

Selective Hearing?
Morris, an 86 year-old man, had his yearly appointment with his cardiologist. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. Later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’”
The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful.’”

Ping pong
Eric was in the midst of a very competitive table tennis match when he accidentally caught a slammed ball in the mouth and swallowed it. Gasping for air, he was rushed to the local hospital where surgery was performed.
When Eric awoke several hours later he looked up at the doctor and thanked him for saving his life. Then he looked down and saw about twelve sewn up incisions on his stomach.
“Good gosh!” exclaimed the patient. “Why did you make so many cuts?”
The doctor spread his palms and replied, “That’s the way the ball bounces.”

Specialists
An attractive young woman was being shown around the ship by Tim, a young intern, who was explaining to her how he had gone through medical school on a Navy loan program. “And what is your specialty now?” asked the woman.
“I’m a naval surgeon,” Tim responded.
“My, oh, my,” sighed the woman. “Medicine is certainly getting specialized these days!”