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Pun Alley

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Some Father's Day fun

By Dick Frank

Father’s Day is Sunday. Almost 100 years have elapsed since the first Father’s Day was celebrated. In the 1900s fathers didn’t have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:

Back then, if a father put a roof over his family’s head, he was a success. Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 3-car garage.

Back then, fathers could help their children with their school work. Today, fathers rely on their kids to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

Back then, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived. Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure the video camera is loaded.

Back then, fathers passed on clothing to their sons. Today, kids wouldn’t touch Dad’s clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

Back then, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table. Today, a father comes home to a note, “Jimmy’s at baseball, Cindy’s at gymnastics, I’m at adult-ed; pizza in fridge.”

A tall tale

The father knocked on the bathroom door where his teenage daughter had been taking a bath for over an hour. “Cindy! Just how long will you be in that bathtub?”

From the other side of the door came the reply: “Oh Daddy! Water doesn’t affect your height. I’m still 5-4!”

Checking up on dad

A college boy wrote his father, “I can’t understand why you call yourself a kind parent when you send me no money. You haven’t mailed me a check in almost two months. What kind of kindness do you call that?”

“That,” the old man replied, “is unremitting kindness.”

Pop corn

My father always proposed a toast before he disciplined me.

“That’s funny! What was it?”

“Bottoms up, son!”

She got her good looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

“Daddy, Daddy, can I have another glass of water please?”

“But I’ve given you 10 glasses of water already!”

“Yes, but the bedroom is still on fire!”

I was going to buy a copy of “The Power of Positive Thinking” and then I thought, what good would that do?

Son: “Dad, my teacher says I should have an encyclopedia.”

Father: “Nonsense, you’ll walk to school the same as I did.”

One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father’s Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.

Father to unwelcome suitor: “I don’t want my daughter tied to a hopeless idiot all her life.”

Suitor: “Of course not, sir. Then I take it I have your consent?”

The human race

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race begin?”

The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children.”

Two days later, the girl asked her father the same question, “How did the human race begin?”

The father answered, “Many years ago, there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said it developed from monkeys?”

The mother answered, “Well, dear, it’s very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

Real help?

“Dad, will you help me with my homework?”

“I’m sorry,” replied the father, “It wouldn’t be right.”

“Well,” said the boy, “at least you could try.”

True lies

A father was scolding his six-year-old for having told an extra-big fib. “I never told lies when I was your age,” he said.

The boy allowed a moment to pass and then, rather brightly, asked: “How old were you when you started, Dad?”

Point of View

A mother was taking her young son for a ride in the car when he asked, “Mother, where are all the infernal idiots?”

“Why, Son,” she replied, “they only happen to be on the highway when your father is driving.”

Water shortage

The father sent his small boy to bed.

Five minutes later: “Da-ad.”

“What?”

“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”

“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”

Again, five minutes later: “Da-aaaad.”

“What?”

“I’m thirsty. Can I have a drink of water?”

“I told you no! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you.”

“Da-aaaad.”

“What?”

“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.