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Pun Alley

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Humor and patriotism go together

By Dick Frank

Sunday is our nation’s birthday, a day associated with fireworks, parades, barbecues, carnivals, picnics, baseball games, and other events commemorating how our country was born. We start with my favorite patriotic story.

Tarzan The Painter

Frank Buck was the greatest animal trapper that ever lived. The San Diego Zoo asked him to capture a rare hornless rhinoceros.

Frank traveled to Africa where he went through the jungles until he met Tarzan. Tarzan was painting stripes. However, you couldn’t tell whether they were white stripes on a black zebra or black stripes on a white zebra.

Without further thought, Frank interpreted Tarzan, “I hate to bother you while you’re so busy, but there’s this one unusual animal I need. Would you happen to know the whereabouts of a hornless rhinoceros?”

Tarzan put down his brush, pointed to a bush, and out walked a hornless rhinoceros. Frank captured the hornless rhinoceros, thanked Tarzan who had gone back to painting the zebra, and traveled back to America where he delivered the hornless rhinoceros to the Zoo.

Some time later the Chicago Zoo called and asked Frank to get them a short-necked giraffe. So he went back to Africa and found Tarzan who was painting stripes on a zebra. Frank asked Tarzan, “Would you happen to know the whereabouts of a short-necked giraffe?”

Tarzan put down his brush, pointed to a bush, and out walked a short-necked giraffe. Frank captured the short-necked giraffe, thanked Tarzan who had gone back to painting the zebra, and traveled back to America where he delivered the short-necked giraffe to the Zoo.

Three days later the Smithsonian Zoo called and asked Frank to get them a trunk-less elephant. Again, Frank went back to Africa and found Tarzan who was painting stripes on more zebras.

Frank said, “Would you happen to know the whereabouts of a trunk-less elephant?”

Tarzan, now totally peeved, broke his brush over his knee, threw the brush away, pointed to a bush, and out walked a trunk-less elephant. Frank captured the trunk-less elephant, thanked Tarzan who had by this time picked up a chipmunk and was painting with its tail, and traveled back to America where he delivered the trunk-less elephant to the Zoo.

After this, Frank Buck retired, had his phone disconnected, and lived happily ever after.

The moral of the story: Tarzan stripes forever.

Constitutional on the cuff

The Founding Fathers were sitting around a table sometime in 1776, working on the constitution. It had been a long day. “Whew! It’s getting rather warm in here, isn’t it?”

“Shall I open the window?”

“No, that’s all right. I’ll just take off my jacket, and roll up my sleeves.”

“Hey, that’s a good idea. Why don’t we include that in the constitution?”

“What? That we’re allowed to take our jackets off and roll up our sleeves while at work?”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t sound very smooth. How about, ‘Everyone shall have the right to bare arms?’”

Crackers and duds

The great thing about the July 4 weekend is that nothing bad can happen. Congress is on vacation.

Did you hear about the new cell phone commercial that uses cats? “Can you hear me meow?”

He made a movie of his haircut. It was a short film clip.

The other band members sued the lead guitarist after he smashed his guitar into pieces at the concert. They got him for treble damages.

What did one flag say to the other flag? Nothing. It just waved.

The new attorney solicited store owners in enclosed shopping centers but then got charged with mallpractice.

Old flag makers never die, they just wave bye bye.

The cat ate the cheese and sat by the mouse hole with baited breath.

Which colonists told the most jokes? Punsylvanians.

The cannibal policeman was caught grilling his suspects.

The greatest

At the annual picnic all the animals were having a great time until a hawk, a lion and a skunk started arguing about who was the fiercest. The hawk claimed that because he could attack from above, his prey didn’t have a chance. The lion boasted that with his strength, no one in the forest dared to challenge him. The skunk sniffed. “I don’t need flight or strength to frighten off anyone who comes along.” At this point in their debate a grizzly bear came by and swallowed them all, hawk, lion and stinker.

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.