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Pun Alley 4-20-2012

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Take me out to the ball game

By Dick Frank

Even though baseball season began several weeks ago, today’s date marks some significant events in MLB history. In 1912 Fenway Park officially opened. In 1912 Tiger Stadium in Detroit opened and in 1916 Chicago’s Wrigley Field had its first National League game.
Here in Pun Alley we windup and throw some stories at you to see if they’re hits, errors or strikeouts.

Beginning
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to talk with him. “I’ve figured out your problem,” he told the young southpaw.
“You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game.”
“When is that?” asked the pitcher.
“Right after the National Anthem.”

The big game
On Mount Olympus, Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities - Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings.
Everyone overdid it. Ceres at one point was staggering and rapidly turning in circles. Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them.
This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.

Catch this one
A lady approached the catcher at a baseball-card autographing session and asked, “What position do you play?”
The catcher replied, “Sort of crouched down with my hands chest high.”

Short?
The press was interviewing a sensational new shortstop, but the guy spoke so quietly no one could hear him.
One of them finally asked the manager, “What’s the matter with him?”
“Nothing at all,” replied the manager. “That’s just the way the rookie mumbles.”

Bunts
After their first game, the Marlins announced a ticket price increase because they can’t sell beer the rest of the season. They lost their opener.
Presidential candidates should concentrate on baseball players. That way they would get the swing voters.
The slugger refused to join the union when he learned they might be called out on strikes.
The piano tuner was hired to play on the baseball team because he had perfect pitch.
One group plays baseball with coal instead of with a hardball. It’s the miner league.
One young woman at her first baseball game said she liked the pitcher best, because he hit the bat every time.
She was called “Baseball” because they threw her out at home.
Baseball is a game in which a young man who bravely strikes out for himself receives no praise for it.

An eyeful
A long time ago immortal pitcher Cy Young got bopped in the left eye with a line drive.
He was told to wear a patch, but refused, saying it would hurt his depth perception.
Still, before he went to the mound, his coach warned him to rely mostly on his sighted orb. “Remember,” said he, “only the good eye, Young.”

Frozen
It was cold and windy, not a fit night out for man or beast, but the game was being played. Half-frozen, the manager ran out on the field to dispute a play. He called the umpire every name in the book, and some that were too obscene for the book. Finally the umpire said, “Yell your head off. If I have to be out here, so do you!”

Semi baseball
Jimmy was never shy about reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball. “My teammates used to call me James Bond,” he was telling his friends. “I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition.”
“That and he batted. 007,” his wife added.

Horse sense
During spring training a baseball scout brought a racehorse with him to add to the starting lineup.
The coach asked, “Why did you bring that horse here?”
The scout replied, “Wait until you see him bat.”
All the players laughed until the horse came to the plate holding a bat.
The pitcher just threw the ball toward home plate, when astonishingly, the horse hit the ball deep in the outfield.
The horse didn’t move. The manager yelled at the baseball scout to tell the horse to run to first base. The scout looked back at the manager and replied, “If he could run, he’d be at Belmont!”
Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.