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Pun Alley

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Tales from the east side

By Dick Frank

In addition to all the horse farms, the Ocala area has many other beautiful scenic surroundings. One of them starts at the golf course on East Silver Springs Boulevard and extends way into the national forest. This whole area is alive with interesting tales.

A medium in the median

At one time a midget psychic set up several pup tents in the wide center island of the Boulevard and proceeded to do business. Her size allowed her to easily run her business in the pup tent. Customers liked her because her fortune telling was always in tents.

A skeptic intended to expose her as a fraud. After he sat down, the psychic gazed into her crystal ball and began smiling from ear to ear. Presuming her grin stemmed from her smug satisfaction at fooling another customer, he rose angrily and walloped her. He was later charged with striking a happy medium.

During their investigation the police found out she was operating illegally and put her in the old Ocala jail. Since she was so small she was able to squeeze between the bars of her cell and escape. The police bulletin read, “Wanted: Small Medium at Large.”

Smash hit

There had been a rustic theatre in the same place where the Ocala Civic Theatre now stands. One of their first shows was entitled, “Punnery.” It was, of course, a play on words.

During a variety show a crack in the stage floor opened up into a hole. Most acts managed to avoid the damaged area until Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knees. He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler shouted, “Don’t worry, Freddy! It’s just a stage you’re going through!”

Fair game

At the sheriff’s station in the forest, Bubba explained why his cousin shot him. “Well,” Bubba began, “We wuz havin’ a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, ‘Hey, der ya fellows, wanna go hunting?’”

“And then what happened?” the officer interrupted.

“From what I remember,” Bubba said, “I stood up and said, ‘Sure, I’m game.’”

For the birds

A hiker in the forest came upon a baby bald eagle that had fallen from the nest. He gently placed the weak baby bird on a nearby branch and went on his way. A forest ranger tracked him down later and charged him with “ill eagle in tree.”

Bear with it

When three hikers got back to their truck, they saw it surrounded by three bears.

“OK guys, I figure the only way to get to the truck is to get these bears really angry. Then they’ll leave and we can go home. So, Ed, you take the one little brown club, and I’ll take the little black cub, and Joe, you take the huge silvertip mama grizzly bear.”

“Hey, man wait a sec, I’m supposed to get this monster angry, and you guys get the cubs? That’s not fair!”

“Now, now, Joe. We all have our bears to cross.”

Mechanical marvel

A man who lived near Moss Bluff boasted about making a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from a Cadillac, tires from a Honda, and the exhaust system from a Dodge. Everyone wondered what he would get. It turned out to be fifteen years.

Well, Blow Me Down!

At the end of the day at Six Gun Territory the ticket taker was in her booth watching the extremely strong wind outside. One of the workers who was sweeping up debris in the parking lot was a very small lightweight woman.

She was having a rough time trying to not be blown away. When she came into the ticket booth for a break, the ticket taker told her that she would have to put heavy rocks in her shoes when she back outside.

The sweeper lady lisped, “You mean, now I weigh me down to sweep?”

Special Nut

A man at a local golf course invented a new putter that allows a player to adjust the head on the club to any angle, thus saving the need to carry a bagful of clubs.

The adjustable head is attached by a special nut in the shape of a “B” know as a “bee nut.” The putter, being especially good for getting out of sand traps, has become know as the “bee-nut putter sand-wedge”.

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.