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Pun Alley

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Fall into place with these stories about autumn

By Dick Frank

Temperatures, both day and night, have been decreasing; days are getting shorter; and breezes have picked up. Complaints about it being too hot have ceased. All signify that autumn has just started. Pun Alley plunges into the fall to leave you with a smile on your face while you enjoy the nice weather.

You’ll fall for this one

When the Ocala movie theater was in its original glory, a fellow worked there seating people and generally maintaining order. Every year, in October, when the leaves were turning, he would hold “The Autumn Barbecue of the Year” at his house. This event grew in popularity until it was the place to be. Each year, as the day approached, people would ask each other, “Will I see you at The Fall at the House of Usher?”

Lassie’s cousin

Along with the guests a dog always showed up at the autumn barbecue of the year. The dog would go around eating discarded watermelon and cantaloupe pieces. Nobody knew who his owner was but they all knew the dog was a melon collie.

Letdown

A man lay sprawled across three seats in the Ocala theater. When the usher noticed this, he whispered to the man, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.”

The man groaned, but didn’t budge. The usher became impatient.

“Sir, if you don’t get up, I’m going to have to call the manager.”

Once again, the man just groaned. When the usher returned with the manager the two of them tried to move the man, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned a policeman who asked, “All right, what’s your name?”

“Fred,” the man moaned.

“Where ya from, Fred?” asked the cop.

With terrible pain in his voice, Fred replied, “the balcony.”

Shortfalls

Ah yes, summer’s out and autumn’s in. From swimming pools to football pools

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I loved the end of summer when I was a kid. It always meant I no longer had to be embarrassed by the coach putting me in right field.

The robber who stole a lamp got a light sentence.

It’s fall when colors change form green to red to gold and that’s just the gunk in your swimming pool.

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall to make up for a terrible summer.

Soon those ugly patches of dead grass in your lawn will be covered up with ugly patches of dead leaves.

About the only thing you can do on a shoestring anymore is trip.

The actress who was hired for the lead in a play about Joan of Arc ended up getting fired.

Goin’ to seed

Out on Route 484 a farmer went out into the fields early one fall morning to do some planting. He instructed his hired hand to hook the seeder to the tractor and seed winter wheat in the next field. About an hour later, the man came running back to the farmer. “What’s the matter?” the farmer called out.

The man yelled as he approached: “There’s a whole bunch of tomatoes still growing in that field from last spring’s planting. What should I do?”

The farmer calmly turned to him and says: “Damn the tomatoes; full seed ahead.”

Dead giveaway

One of the students could not take the first college test because of a funeral. “No problem,” the professor told him. “Make it up the following week.”

That week came, and again he couldn’t take the test due to another funeral.

“You’ll have to take the test early next week, but I can’t keep postponing it.”

“I’ll take the test next week if no one dies.”

The professor was suspicious. “How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?”

“Oh, I don’t know any of these people. I’m the only gravedigger in town.”

Class reunion

He hadn’t been to a class reunion in decades. When he walked into the reunion, he thought he recognized a woman over in the corner. He approached her and extended his hand in greeting and said, “You look like Helen Brown.”

“Well,” the woman snapped back, “you don’t look so great in blue either!”

Stubborn leaves

A man, visiting one of the art galleries in Gainesville with his wife, stood for minutes staring at a painting of a woman dressed only in a few leaves. Finally his wife snapped at him, “What are you waiting for, autumn?”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.