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Pun Alley

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By Dick Frank

According to the Internet site, Bizarre, Crazy, Silly Unknown Holidays, this month is Aviation History Month, so we take Pun Alley into the air with some uplifting tales beginning in the early days and flying into the modern age.

Back when flying was still a novelty, pilots with open seat airplanes would show up at county fairs and take people up for $10. One such pilot, Frank, was waiting for customers when he saw Phyllis, a large overbearing woman, berating her husband Wayne, a small almost midget fellow, about how $10 was too much to pay.

Frank made a proposition figuring it would shut Phyllis up. He would take them free if they did not say a single word during the trip. If they spoke, they would pay $20. He took them up and did some loops and heard not a sound. So he took them higher and higher and did a big upside down loop, still no sound. He gave up and landed.

Once on the ground, the pilot said he didn’t think she could keep quiet. “Well,” said Phyllis, “you almost won; I sure felt like hollering when Wayne fell out.”

However, Wayne’s departure at 2,500 feet did not go unnoticed. Alice and Simon were sitting out by their pool, taking some time out from their farm chores to enjoy the afternoon sun.

“Well, will you look at that!” said Simon, pointing to the sky.

“Land sakes!” cried Alice, “It looks like a little man falling out of the clouds!”

“Yep,” agreed Simon, “and he’s not getting much bigger!”

Just then, Wayne’s wallet came out; Wayne landed with a small splash in the pool, and his wallet fell into Alice’s lap.

“Dear,” said Alice, examining his driver license, “I think it’s true.”

“What?” asked Simon.

Alice looked at her husband, looked at the driver license, looked back at her husband, and said, “Into each life a little Wayne must fall!”

Grounded

Back in the days when airlines didn’t charge for bags she had insisted on taking along almost every garment she owned and they arrived at the airport loaded with luggage.

“I wish,” said the husband thoughtfully, “that we had brought your piano.”

“Now, don’t be sarcastic,” came his wife’s frigid reply.

“I’m not being sarcastic,” he said wistfully. “I left the tickets on it.”

Quite a spell

The little kid, having never been on an airplane, was very excited. As soon as he boarded the plane, a Boeing 707, he started jumping in excitement and began shouting, “BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO.....”

Annoyed by this noise, a flight attendant shouted, “Be silent!”

The kid was silent for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, “OEING! OEING! OEING! OE....”

Short hoops

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first.

Two women were preparing to board the airliner. One of them turned to the pilot and said, “Now please don’t travel faster than sound. We want to talk.”

The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. The proof is when it stops, the pilot breaks out into a sweat.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.

When his flight was cancelled, the passenger flew into a rage.

The best scientific theory is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

During his air test a young pilot flew through a rainbow. He passed with flying colors.

Air Lines, hoping to boost ticket sales, introduced a new “student discount” fare which will apply to flights when the airplane is being flown by student pilots.

Unexpected results

One of the airlines recently introduced a special half fare for wives who accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.

Letters are still pouring in asking, “What trip?”

Coming up short

An airliner was coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility was practically nil and the ILS system was on the blink, so the pilot had to land on wits alone. “Flaps, check,” he said to the copilot, “Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we’re going in. Hold on.” The plane landed and came to a screeching, grinding halt just short of the edge of the runway. “Holy Cow!” exclaimed the pilot, “This must be the shortest runway I’ve ever landed on!”

The copilot looked left and right and said, “yeah, and about the widest, too.”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.