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Pun Alley 3-9-2012

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Follow the bouncing ball as March Madness is about to start

By Dick Frank

March madness is coming. College men’s basketball playoffs involving 68 teams will play in a single-elimination tournament to determine the national champion. Scheduled to begin on March 13, it will conclude with the championship game on April 2 at the Superdome in New Orleans.
With the ball bouncing down Pun Alley we hope to score a few points with punny stuff that didn’t hit the basket.

Coaching psychosis

The professor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. He asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”
A student raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”

Barnyard rules
It was the strangest thing the coach had ever seen in basketball. Every time a player pushed or traveled or hacked, the referee failed to assess a penalty. Instead, he’d cup his hands to his mouth and shout out the name of a barnyard bird.
The coach finally had enough of this and went over to the referee.
“What do you think you’re doing?
Their guy elbows one of mine, you yell, ‘Chicken!’ They trip one of my boys, you shout, ‘Hen.’ What’s going on here?”
“What are you, stupid?” the referee snapped. “I’m calling fowls.”

Cell time

After a basketball game, the coach found a cell phone on the gym floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, “Here’s your phone.”
“What makes you think it’s mine?” the referee asked.
“Easy,” the coach replied. “It says you missed 13 calls.”

Great losses?
Basketball team pictures from the past 20 years hang on the walls in the college’s sports center. A player in the center of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year — “92-93,” “93-94,” “94-95,” etc. One day a freshman looking curiously at the photos said, “Isn’t it strange how the teams always lost by one point?”

Foul shots
How can they call it “March Madness,” yet never mention anyone in the Democrat party, anyone in the Republican party, anyone in Hollywood, or Lady Gaga?
Two Mexicans playing basketball is called Juan on Juan.
The ant basketball team made a vow, to get better, but didn’t know how. No, it just wasn’t right to be lacking in height. What they needed were tolerance.
The basketball team at the cleaners’ academy went into a full court press.
At the college basketball court the sign read, “Anyone caught hanging from the rim will be suspended.”
Fitting the basketball star with size 18 shoes was no small feat.
Poor Rupert, the masseur for the professional basketball team, was fired because he rubbed the players the wrong way.
Basketball nets in Hawaii are known as hula-hoops.
The sign at the gym where the college was holding open tryouts for the basketball team read, “If you can pass through this door without bending, don’t.”
Old basketball players never die; they just go on dribbling.

No Kidding
The captain of a team said to the ref, “My coach wants to know if there is a penalty for thinking.”
The ref said, “No.”
The captain said, “Well my coach thinks you’re making horribly bad calls.”

NBA wonder
Meanwhile, in the NBA a new sports sensation, New York Knicks’ player Jeremy Lin, came off the bench and helped win six games including a last-second shot to defeat the Toronto Raptors. Where else but in America can you drink a German beer and watch a Taiwanese basketball player on your Chinese TV beat a team from Canada?
Jeremy Lin jerseys are the best NBA seller right now.
How cool is this? And nice for the people making the jerseys to see a name they might actually recognize.

Limping along
The weather today was fantastic. We went outside and played basketball. Just as we were about out of time, I got the ball to take the winning shot, but I missed.
One of my teammates demanded to know why I had missed such an easy shot. “I sprained my ankle,” I told him.
“That’s a lame excuse,” he replied.

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.