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Pun Alley 3-2-2012

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Mush! Alaska dog sled race starts Saturday

By Dick Frank

The Iditarod Sled Dog Race starts tomorrow. It takes mushers from Anchorage to Nome, Alaska. Nearly 1,000 whining, drooling dogs are a part of the opening ceremony; somewhat like the Miss Universe Pageant. For the first time in its history mushers were tested for alcohol and drugs. Officials say no one has been disqualified for performance enhancers, although three mushers have tested positive for Alpo.
The rewards are incredible. The winning musher gets thousands of dollars in endorsements. The winning huskies each get a biscuit.
After Lance Mackey won his third straight Iditarod race he said, “There’s no place like Nome.” I assume one of his sled dogs is named Toto.
A real dog
Gary decided to breed a superior sled dog for the Iditarod sled dog race, but he couldn’t stay in Alaska so he hired an immigrant from Siberia even though the Russian was very thin and malnourished. Gary put him in charge of the breeding program with financial resources to match. But the Russian used the money to live a life of luxury. In fact he gained a lot of weight while Gary was away. The breeding program went nowhere. When Gary checked back, he found that, while he hadn’t created the perfect sled dog, he had created a Siberian husky.
Travel ordeals
Traveling in Alaska in the middle of winter can be dangerous. A government warning states that anyone traveling should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing including a scarf, hat, and gloves, 24 hour supply of food & drink, deicer, rock salt, flashlight with spare batteries, safety triangle, tow rope, full gas can, first aid kit, and jumper leads. Joe looked a little stupid on the bus in the morning.
Mush
Eskimo Lover: “What would you say if I told you I had come a hundred miles through ice and snow with my dog team, just to tell you I love you?”
Eskimo Sweetie: “I’d say that was a lot of mush.”
The sled dog never barks. He is a male mute.
A dog is longer in the morning than in the evening because he’s let out in the morning and taken in at night.
A dog that sniffs out new flowers on the tundra is known as a bud hound.
A man entered a bank with a rather large dog on a leash. He asked if it was OK to bring his pet into the building. The teller answered, “Yes, providing he doesn’t make a deposit.”
Life is like a dogsled team. If you aren’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
My dog is dumb. I bought a dog whistle but he won’t use it.
When the hunter saw the polar bear eat his sled dog he said, “Well, doggone.”
The fireman who owned a dog kept putting him out.
A cowboy was walking down the street with his new pet dachshund. A passerby asked him why a cowboy would own that kind of dog. The cowboy answered, “Well, somebody told me to get a long little doggie.”
More mush
When the Alaskan owners of sled dog teams got to arguing endlessly about whether or not their huskies would run faster if given periodic snacks during their runs, instead of just one big meal a day, it was just a case of mush ado about noshing.
Eyeful
Ruth had worked late and her Labrador was so overjoyed to see her arrive home that he jumped up just as she leaned down. Their heads collided and Ruth developed an impressive shiner that evening.
The next day at work a co-worker looked at her black eye and exclaimed, “Wow, what happened to you?”
“The dog did it,” Ruth wearily replied.
The co-worker said, “You must own a boxer.”
Retriever
A wife said to her husband one morning, “We’ve got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every morning.”
Her husband replied, “Well, lots of dogs can do that.” The wife responded, “But we’ve never subscribed to any.”
Timely
A girl was visiting her friend who had acquired two new dogs and asked the dogs’ names. The friend said that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. The girl said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?” “Hellooooo,” she answered, “They’re watch dogs.”
Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.