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Pun Alley

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Tales of those who have been married a while

By Dick Frank

June is the traditional month for weddings; there is no other more romantic month. Many couples have finished their wedding preparations and have walked down the aisle. Two years ago Pun Alley took us down this path of courtship and weddings. Last year we looked at newlyweds after one year. Today we have some tales of those who have been married longer.

How’s that?

The flustered father of twins, his first babies, had them out in a carriage when a neighbor approached and asked their names. “Steak and Kidney,” the father answered.

“What?”

“Oh!” the father said, “it’s Kate and Sydney.”

Smart lady

“Darling, I have to go to New York on business,” said the husband. “It will only take four days and I hope you won’t miss me while I’m gone.”

“I won’t,” answered his wife, “because I’m going with you.”

“I wish you could, but it I’m going to be too busy to be with you. What would you do?

“I have to go. I need clothes.”

“But, you can get all the clothes you want right here at the Paddock Mall.”

“Thanks, that’s all I wanted.”

Broken dreams

“Does your wife miss you much?”

“No. She throws remarkably straight for a woman.”

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past, but never the present.

“Do you remember when we first met in the revolving door?”

“Goodness, yes, that was when we started going around together.”

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “y” becomes silent.

Husband (during a quarrel): “You talk like an idiot.”

Wife: “I’ve got to so you can understand me.”

A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.”

My wife told me I should be more affectionate, so I got a girlfriend.

“My wife is very irritable; the least thing sets her off.”

“You’re lucky at that, mine’s a self-starter.”

A girl’s wedding tragedy is to marry a man for love and then find out he has no money.

Married life can be very frustrating. In the first year, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. She said, “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” So I suggested the kitchen.

Mrs. Jones: “Does your husband remember your wedding anniversary?”

Mrs. Smith: “No, so I remind him of it in June and October, and get two presents.”

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said, “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So I bought her an electric chair.

It’s for my husband, a woman told a gun storeowner while shopping for a rifle.

“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” the owner asked.

“Are you kidding?” she said. “He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.”

Sour situation

The couple was fighting again. “I’m leaving!” the wife snapped. “I’m going home to Mother!”

“But honey, we have a home here with children,” the husband protested. “What will I do? How will I handle the kids? This puts me in a real pickle!”

The woman shot back, “Dill with it!”

Better days

Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m., I discovered that it had not been one of my wife’s better days. Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.

By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home and start all over again. My wife agreed.

I went outside, came back in and with a big smile, announced, “Honey, I’m home!”

“And just where have you been?” she replied sharply. “It’s after seven o’clock!”

Listen to me

My wife doesn’t complain often, but once, she was having an old fashioned “heart-to-heart” with me and said, “You never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far away look in your eyes after only a few seconds. Please promise me you’ll try to work on that.”

The last thing I remember was replying, “I’m sorry, what was that you were saying?”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.