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Pun Alley

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Getting a kick out of some football stories

By Dick Frank

On this day in 1920 the American Professional Football Association, a precursor of the NFL, was formed in Canton, Ohio. This year, professional football just started its regular season and college football is looking at its third week. It’s time for us to get a kick out of some gridiron stories.

Really offensive

Hearing that cold weather in Scandinavian countries produced hulks of men, a coach recruited some for his university. With the offer of an education he was able to recruit enough players for the offensive line. These players were so massive and so effective that the quarterback had plenty of time to pass the ball. No matter how hard the defenders tried to get to the quarterback, they could never cross the Finnish line.

A row

One of the Tampa Bay football players who had sculled in college organized a rowing team composed of his most muscular teammates. They were so fast they could tow several water skiers. In the off-season they appeared at Cypress Gardens where their act was billed as skiers and row Bucs.

She’s game

A college senior took his girlfriend to a football game. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, “Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year.”

His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, “That’s the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!”

Short gains

Football is often played on muddy fields. The players would never get clean if weren’t for the scrub teams.

The violin-playing football player ended up playing on the first string.

An unnamed coach was always a step ahead of all opposing coaches. He had a three-platoon system - one for offense, one for defense, and one to go to classes.

A football and a baseball went into a bar. The football said, “You’re round!”

When the FSU library burned to the ground all five books in the library were completely destroyed and the football team was really upset; they hadn’t colored in two of them yet.

The football coach sent in the second string so he could tie up the game.

The coach, speaking about one of his players, said, “He doesn’t know the meaning of the word ‘fear’. In fact, I’ve seen his grades, and there are a lot of words he doesn’t know the meaning of.”

It was reported that the coach will only be dressing 20 players for the next game. The rest of the players will have to dress themselves.

He wore number 53. Unfortunately, that was also his combined SAT score.

The coach says his favorite play is the one where one of his players pitches the ball back to the official after he has scored a touchdown.

Naked truth

The good news about the rookie place kicker was that he could hit a field goal from his own thirty-yard line. The bad news was that he could only do it in the nude, which limited his appearances to exhibition games.

Tied and tired

The college football game was tied at the end of regulation. The opposition scored a field goal on their first possession to go ahead. The home team put the ball inside the 10 and the dim-witted quarterback called time-out to find out what to do. At the sideline he said, “I think we have a first down; how many do we have? I want to throw into the end zone but will kick a field goal to tie if we haven’t scored by the last down. Is that correct?” The coach quickly answered the quarterback’s two questions in a way he could understand. He said, “Four, give us our three passes.”

What?

The football coach, dejected because his team was losing, looked down at his bench of available substitutes and yelled, “All right Jones, go in there and get ferocious!”

Jones jumped to his feet, “Sure coach,” he cried, slamming on his headgear. “What’s his number?’

Loud fans

It’s well known that FSU has a good rooting section at their home games because they give the fans all they want to drink. This upset UF supporters so much that they lodged a complaint and wanted to know what FSU was giving these boisterous fans. The answer came back, “root beer of course.”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.