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Pun Alley 2-8-2013

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Hearts and flowers

By Dick Frank

Next Thursday is Valentine’s Day. The greeting card industry estimates that more than one billion cards will be exchanged along with an innumerable amount of roses, chocolates, and other assorted gifts used to express feelings of affection for each other.
There’s still time for you to go out and get your sweetheart an expression of your love. Cupid’s early visit to Pun Alley left some lovely stories as well some others that aren’t so lovely.

Valentine surprise
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s Day. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know tonight,” he said.
That evening, he came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled, “The Meaning Of Dreams.”

Back issues
Tom moved in with his girlfriend and her enormous collection of old magazines.
They took up an entire room in the apartment. “It’s me or the magazines,” Tom insisted. When she refused to part with any of them, he left and told his friends, “She just had too many issues.”

Moving moments
The young man straightened his tie and with brave determination entered the living room. “Er, could I see you for a moment, sir?
“Absolutely, my boy. What can I do for you?”
“Well, sir, you see it’s like this. Phyllis thought we’d better ask you first.”
“Yes, go right ahead. Young people nowadays usually don’t ask.”
“Er-well, we’ve been going together for quite some time now and Phyllis thought it’d be all right if I’d ask you.”
“Why certainly, Bob, you’re a fine boy and I’ve always been fond of you.”
“Then can I take your car tonight?”

Cupid’s barbs
“I don’t ask or expect much of life,” said the beautiful young woman. “Like every other young woman, all I want is a handsome man to love and understand me. That isn’t too much to expect of a millionaire, is it?”
Eskimo Lover: “What would you say if I told you I had come a hundred miles through ice and snow with my dog team, just to tell you I love you?”
Eskimo Sweetie: “I’d say that was a lot of mush.”
She won’t marry him while he’s drunk and he won’t marry her when he’s sober.
Married life can be very frustrating. In the first year, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
“Carol was afraid the girls wouldn’t notice her engagement ring.”
“Did they?”
“Did they? Four of them recognized it at once.”

Mascara-packing momma
My girl friend was brushing on some stuff onto her eyelashes I never saw her wear before.
I asked her if she used it before, and she said that she used it only once a year. I asked her why, She said, “It’s my St. Valentine’s day mascara.”

My one and only
Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine’s Day.
The jeweler inquired, ‘Would you like your girlfriend’s name engraved on it?’
Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, “No, instead engrave ‘To my one and only love.’”
The jeweler smiled and said, “Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.”
Roger retorted, “Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.”

Ain’t love grand?
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you screwed up my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving, and hot,
This describes everything you are not.
I thought that I could love no other,
That is until I met your brother.
I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don’t take that paper bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes,
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
My love, you take my breath away,
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

Don’t forget your loved ones on this upcoming holiday. Dick and his sweetheart Jane live in Oak Run.