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Pun Alley 2-17-12

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Ice hockey teams pay a visit

By Dick Frank

Many think that the sports season for big bruisin’ men wearing protective armor and helmets has ended.
While football is over, there is another sport going on now where padded men bang into each other, break out in fights and wind up with concussions. It’s hockey, a cool sport.

The finish
Anaheim Duck superstar from Finland, Teemu Selanne, had never had his father see him play professional hockey. When his father visited to watch him, several players arranged a banquet at a restaurant. In addition to the entire team and staff, Orange County dignitaries attended with the entire tab being picked up by the Duck goalie. It was a huge success. The next day the local newspaper reported that it was certainly a dinner worthy of the father, son and the goalie host.

Really kicking
Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of his co-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened. Andy replied, “Oh, nothing. It’s just an old hockey injury that acts up once in a while.”
Josh said, “Gee, I never knew you played hockey.”
Andy responded, “No I don’t. I hurt it when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup playoffs. I put my foot through the television.”

Cold loss

In a postmortem press conference after their Stanley Cup defeat, angry Flyers coach LeClark refused to accept any blame for their loss. Instead, he blamed it all on a penalty unjustly called against his star player, Claude DeKaque, a penalty that resulted in the other team scoring the winning goal.
The following morning the newspaper had the headline “LeClark Says Loss Is Just the icing on DeKaque.”

Slap shots
The other day, when I was watching a boxing match on TV, a hockey game broke out.
The boy took his hockey stick up into a tree because he wanted to play with the Maple Leafs.
The hockey player with liberal views played at left wing.
The difference between a hockey game and a prizefight is that in a hockey game the fights are real.
When Russian hockey star Nail Yakupov takes an elbow to the noggin, that is hitting the Nail on the head.
I’ve been skating for hours on end. Maybe I ought to take lessons.
In Boston the Bruins enjoy beans. On Long Island, the Islanders only have the Sound.
The blonde hockey team drowned during spring training.
Since baseball is such a hit in Japan, the Japanese entrepreneur decided to import ice hockey. Unfortunately no one had a yen for it.
The Boston fan snuck into the locker room to see what was Bruin.
The hockey star was offered $1.5 million to write his autobiography. Six months later, he handed in the story of his BMW.

Adult directions
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded in the affirmative. “Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes. “So,” the coach continued, “I am sure you know, when a penalty is called, you should not argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him bad names. Do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded. He continued, “And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, its not good sportsmanship to call your coach an idiot, is it?”
Again the little boy nodded. “Good,” said the coach. “Now go explain all that to your mother.”

Baseless
“I hear the Bruins just had a no-hitter,” the young lady said to her boyfriend.
“The Bruins? You sure you don’t mean the Red Sox?” “No, the Bruins,” she insisted. “They played an entire game without throwing a single punch.”

Timely
The night before a playoff game, two hockey stars snuck out of the hotel for a few drinks. Before long, they were so inebriated they stayed past curfew time. The following morning, when the two players showed up for practice, the coach asked, “Did either of you miss curfew?”
One looked at the other and said, “I wouldn’t miss it, would you?”
Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.