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Pun Alley 2-10-12

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Cupid pays a visit

By Dick Frank

Tuesday is Valentine’s Day. In ancient Rome this day was a pagan holiday in honor of Juno, the goddess of women and marriage and the queen of the Roman gods and goddesses. Later it became a holiday named after a priest. According to church tradition St. Valentine was a priest near Rome about the year 270 A.D.
While historical details of Valentine’s Day are unclear, we do know that across the country, candy, flowers, and gifts are exchanged between loved ones, all in the name of St. Valentine.
Cupid’s visit to Pun Alley left some lovely stories as well as some others when Cupid was slinging pointy barbs instead of arrows.

Today’s romances
“So my daughter has consented to become your wife. Have you fixed the day of the wedding?”
“I will leave that to my fiancée.”
“Will you have a church or a private wedding?”
“Her mother can decide that, sir.”
“What will you have to live on?”
“I will leave that entirely to you, sir.”

Seniors?
She lay in bed, blissfully happy on this, the first morning of her long-dreamed-of honeymoon. “Darling,” she called as she heard him puttering around in the bathroom. “Did you brush your teeth yet?”
“Yes,” he cooed. “And while I was at it I brushed yours too.”

Really a card
When Mike walked into the small town post office a week before Valentine’s day, he couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man opened a bottle of perfume and sprayed scent over the envelopes.
By now Mike’s curiosity had got the better of him, and so he asked the man what he was doing. The man replied, “I’m sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”
“But why?” asked Mike.
“I’m a divorce lawyer.”

Arrows and barbs
The girl fell in love with a one-legged detective. But she ended the affair because she wanted the sleuth, the whole, sleuth, and nothing but the sleuth.
“Did you ever catch your husband flirting?” the young woman was asked.
“I certainly did,” was the reply. “That’s how I caught him.”
Just think; if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Joan: “Did you hear Erica is marrying her X-ray specialist?”
Jane: “Well, she’s lucky. Nobody else could ever see anything in her.”
They’re making wedding rings lighter and thinner these days. In the old days they were meant to last a lifetime.
He who marries a chicken gets henpecked.
He: “There are an awful lot of girls who don’t want to get married.”
She: “How do you know?”
He: “I’ve asked them.”
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
“Statistics show that the eyesight of boys is superior to that of girls.”
“Yeh! I know. I fell for a girl last summer who can’t see me at all.”
If I ask my girlfriend to marry me over the phone, does that count as giving her a ring?
“I’ll never ask another woman to marry me as long as I live.”
“Refused again?”
“No, accepted.”
This guy kissed his girlfriend in the fog and mist.
Girl to her boyfriend: “One kiss and I’ll be yours forever.”
The guy replied: “Thanks for the early warning.”

Sole advice
The cute-looking young chick came to work one morning sporting an engagement ring. One of the older women, after admiring it, said, “Take my advice, and don’t give in to him too easily. Demand your rights. When I got married I made my husband quit smoking and drinking.”
“And did he?” asked the sweet young thing.
“I don’t know,” said the older woman. “I haven’t seen him for ten years.”

Accounting for love
Alan, a certified public accountant, works 15-hour days for the first few months of the year. In spite of his hectic schedule he ordered Valentine’s Day flowers for his sweetheart. While pondering what to write on the card, he thought of the many hours of work still ahead of him. His note read: “Roses are red, violets are blue. If I weren’t thinking of you, I’d probably be through.”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.