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Pun Alley 12/17

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Taking a look at waiters (or servers)

By Dick Frank

With the holiday season approaching it’s a time when many groups and clubs celebrate by eating out at one of the many busy Ocala restaurants. It’s also a time when the waiters, now often referred to as servers, can be harried by customers who expect immediate service and endlessly complain. Perhaps the following stories can be considered as worthy replies to these unreasonable customers.

Waiter, what’s this fly doing in my soup? Looks like the breaststroke to me, sir.

Waiter, my plate’s wet! That’s not wet, sir, that’s the soup!

Waiter, this soup tastes funny? So why don’t you laugh?

Waiter, there’s a bird in my soup. That’s all right, sir. It’s bird’s nest soup.

Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud! I’m not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago.

Waiter, your tie is in my soup! That’s all right, sir, it’s doesn’t shrink.

Waiter, have you got asparagus? We don’t serve sparrers and my name is not Gus.

Waiter, your thumb’s in my soup! That’s all right, sir, it’s not hot.

Waiter, I asked for bread with my breakfast. It’s in the sausages, sir.

Waiter, where is my honey? She left last week, sir.

Waiter, there’s a twig in my soup. Yes, sir, we’ve got branches everywhere.

Waiter, you’re not fit to serve a pig! I’m doing my best, sir.

Waiter, how long will my sausages be? Oh, about three or four inches if you’re lucky.

Waiter, there is a mosquito in my soup. Yes sir, that’s because we’ve run out of flies.

Waiter, there is a fly in my salad. I’m sorry sir; I didn’t know that you are vegetarian.

Waiter, there’s a hair in the honey. It must have dropped off the comb, sir!

Waiter, this bread’s got sand in it. That’s to stop the butter slipping off, sir.

Waiter, what’s the meaning of this fly in my teacup? I wouldn’t know, sir. I’m a waiter, not a fortune-teller.

Waiter, there’s a button in my soup. Oh, thank-you, sir. I’ve been looking for that everywhere.

Waiter, there’s a worm on my plate. That’s your sausage, sir.

Waiter, how long have you been here? Six months, sir. Ah, then, it can’t be you who took my order.

Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup. Couldn’t be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.

Waiter, does the pianist play requests? Yes, sir. Then ask him to play solitaire till I’ve finished my meal.

Waiter, there’s a fly on my pretzel! Yes, out on a bender, sir.

Waiter, there’s a twig in my soup! My apologies, sir, I’ll inform the branch manager.

Customer: I’ll have some lamb chops and make them lean. Waiter: Forward or backward, sir?

Waiter, is this a fly in my soup? Quite possibly, sir. The chef used to be a tailor.

Waiter, what do you call this? That’s bean soup, sir. I don’t care what it’s been, what is it now?

Waiter, is this a hair in my soup? Why, of course sir. That’s rabbit stew!

Bizarre behavior

We have been going to nice corridor restaurants. One night a romantic young couple was nearby. When their appetizers came, every time he would take a bite he would jump up and give the girl a big hug. This bizarre behavior continued; he took a bite, gave her a big hug, and she squealed. Everyone was looking! When my waiter came by I mentioned the ‘entertainment’ and he said “Oh, we have that all the time in here. You see, that man ordered the Seize Her Salad.”

True fizzle

A fast-food restaurant chain acknowledged that employees had manipulated the results of their restaurants’ market test of a frozen soda. When the tests had gone badly, the soda company paid off the employees to falsely inflate the test results. The money came from a slush fund.

Well Done?

Kevin was furious when his steak arrived cooked too rare.

“Waiter,” Kevin shouted, “Didn’t you hear me say well done?”

“Of course I did, sir, I can’t thank you enough, sir,” replied the waiter. “I hardly ever get a compliment.”

Nothing Special

“May I take your order?” the waiter asked.

“Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?”

The waiter replied “Nothing special, sir, we just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.”

Warning

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu just ignore it. It’s just spam.

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.