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Pun Alley 12-18-2015

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Trouble at the North Pole

By Dick Frank
Santa has been so busy preparing for Christmas that he just had to sit down and take a rest. He fell like taking a nap, but he soon realized that there is trouble at the North Pole. The American Civil Liberties Union announced that it was bringing a lawsuit against Santa Claus for violations of the civil rights of children. An ACLU spokesman, Mr. E. Scrooge stated that, “Mr. Claus has been violating children’s right to privacy and has been putting that information in a vast database used to determine which children are considered naughty or nice. It is obvious Mr. Claus has violated children’s rights and we believe he has been engaging in mind control experiments designed to prevent the free expression of beliefs.”
Among the documents presented to the courts was a memo in which reads, in part:
You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout. I’m telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town.
He sees you when you are sleeping, He knows when you’re awake, He knows when you’ve been bad or good So be good for goodness’ sake.
Mr. Scrooge claimed the document clearly shows a concerted attempt to restrict the rights of children to free expression and free thought. In addition, there are concerns about the security of the information. What would be the result of such a database being made available to other law enforcement agencies around the world?
Lawyers at the Justice Department also confirmed today that they were investigating the possibility that Mr. Claus was at the core of a vast conspiracy against children. Anonymous sources from inside Justice stated, “We believe a large number of parents, ministers and teachers are involved in this business and we expect several of them will testify for the State in return for a lighter sentence.”
In addition, the same sources indicated a parallel investigation by the Department and the FBI on possible charges of smuggling on the part of Mr. Claus, “Our records do not show Mr. Claus, or any one else paying any import duties or taxes on any items he has delivered.
Since Mr. Claus has representatives in all of the States we believe he should have to pay state and local taxes on all of the goods he delivers.”
Lawyers for Mr. Claus stated, “All the charges are absurd. Mr. Claus is a well-known and highly respected figure. His supporters are from around the world and his message of love and respect can, in no way, be taken as a form of mind control or a violation of the civil rights of children.”
Santa’s thoughts then turned to the familiar “Night Before Christmas” poem, but the words were all different:
‘Twas the week before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”
“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh.
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their rooftops.
No candy or sweets, they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football - someone could get hurt.
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passé.
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed.
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
You’ve got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground.
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Just then Santa awoke from his sleep
And thought of a gift all could keep
So here is that gift, it’s price beyond worth,
“May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.”