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Pun Alley 12-01-2017

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Watching people go by on Black Friday

By Dick Frank

In an effort to help our country’s economy I spent Black Friday last week at the mall. Bargains abounded but not for anything useful to me. I wound up sitting on a bench watching the shoppers and realizing that people are interesting. They all have different personalities, characteristics, habits, and shapes. And, they all have different stories for today’s Pun Alley.

Stinky affair
A truck belonging to a wholesale perfume distributor was hijacked in Philadelphia some weeks ago, and thousands of dollars’ worth of expensive toiletries and fragrances were gone. The president of the company called the police a few days after the robbery and asked if the crooks had been apprehended. “Not yet,” admitted the police chief, “but we’re on the scent.”

Celebrate
The father had obviously been celebrating the birth of his latest offspring. He wove into the local courthouse and called out, “Gentlemen, I want to report the birth of twins.”
“Why do you say “gentlemen,” asked the clerk? “There’s no one here but me.”
“Really?” said the father. “I’d better go home and have another look.”

Not a knockout
The not-too-successful prizefighter only won battles with his wife, whom he had punched around every day for almost 20 years. Finally, the poor woman couldn’t take it any longer and swore out a warrant for his arrest. When the case came up in court she told the judge about the repeated batterings.
“Well, what do you have to say about this?” asked the judge.
“Don’t pay any attention to her,” answered the pugilist. “She’s punch drunk.”

Weight a minute
A woman was concerned about the long delay she always endured at her doctor’s office. One day, when her name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. “I need to get your weight today,” said the nurse. Without a moment’s hesitation, the woman replied, “One hour and 5 minutes!”

Passing glances
The rich old reprobate in the Wall Street sector still has an eye for the girls. He’s generally acknowledged as one of the town’s greatest natural athletes. He makes every broad jump.
The International beauty got some vinegar in her ear one morning. Now she suffers from pickled hearing.
The pretty nurse at St. Luke’s Hospital is known as “Appendix” because only the doctors are allowed to take her out.
One nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.
John was in a Disney store and picked up a little stuffed dwarf with “Sleepy” written on its shirt. He started running his hands over it, and said, “We’d better get going. I’m feeling a little sleepy.”
Some people work as bakers because they knead the dough.
I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
She had a shirt that read, “TGIF,” which she thought stood for “This Goes In Front.”
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
Nancy’s 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and she’s worried about the 175 pounds she’s gained since then.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Drink to it
One of the most successful sample packages of wines comprised two 250 ml bottles, two 500 ml bottles, and two 1000 ml bottles. To the bottler’s surprise, after purchasing the beverage, most people chose to drink from the 1000 ml container first. Post-marketing research showed that it was the liter of the pack.

Frosty
Up north on a cold night a man with reputedly poor eyesight was driving a friend home. The frost was thick on the windows, so bad that it was impossible to see through them. After a couple of near accidents, the friend tactfully suggested that it might help if they stopped and cleaned the windshield.
“What’s the use?” the driver replied. “I left my glasses at home.”

Life
The insurance salesman had the sale wrapped up and was just completing the application. “Now, let’s see,” he said, “this is to be monthly payments on a straight life. That’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”
“Well,” replied the customer somewhat wistfully, “I would like to fool around a little on Saturday nights.”