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Pun Alley

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The eyes have it on Pun Alley

By Dick Frank

Recently when I had to have my eyes examined I found an optometrist right on Pun Alley. The sign in the window read, “if you don’t see what you want, you’ve come to the right place.” I went in and heard plenty before the doctor got me to see better. If you can see, read it all now.

What a sight

A woman walked into the store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before. “What seems to be the problem, madam?”

“I’m returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He’s still not seeing things my way.”

Quite a grind

A lens maker came up with a new idea to help those with extremely poor eyesight. He made quintuple-focal lenses where five parallel pieces horizontally cross each lens so that the user can see at five different magnifications. He felt he had to be the guinea pig and try out these glasses to be sure they actually worked. At first the experiment went well but his friends started questioning his judgment and told him that his perception of the world had changed because now he lived life looking through rows covered glasses.

Eye sore comments

When the ophthalmologist asked her out, she decided to see him.

If you leave alphabet soup cooking on the stove and go out, it could spell disaster.

When the lab tech fell into the lens grinder, he made a spectacle of himself.

Sitting on your eyeglasses causes flatulence.

I wear my wife’s eyeglasses because she always wants me to see things her way.

Patient: “Doctor, I keep seeing frogs in front of my eyes.”

Doctor: “Don’t worry. It’s only a hoptical illusion.”

He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

Never lie to an x-ray technician. They can see right through you.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

“Every time I have a cup of coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye. What shall I do?”

“Take the spoon out of your cup.”

Optometrists listen to itunes for relaxing music.

The right eye said to the left eye, “Between you and me, there’s something that smells.”

Women who wear $200 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents.

O’Brien boasted about his grandfather, “He lived for 94 years and never once used glasses!”

“He had the right of it,” nodded Sullivan. “I always said it was healthier to drink from the bottle.”

A sweet young lady in distress came in to the optometrist and said: “I’ve broken my glasses. Do I have to be examined all over again?”

“No,” sighed the optician, “just your eyes.”

Slippery Slope

The company had a real superior product in its butter substitute, but the company went bankrupt when it received an order for a million pounds of the stuff. Some of the employees made mistakes in preparing the product and much of it was wasted. They were not able to deliver in time. The company had not allowed enough margarine for error.

Eyeful

Ruth had worked late and her Labrador was so overjoyed to see her arrive home that he jumped up just as she leaned down. Their heads collided and Ruth developed an impressive shiner that evening.

The next day at work a co-worker looked at her black eye and exclaimed, “Wow, what happened to you?”

“The dog did it,” Ruth wearily replied.

The co-worker said knowingly, “You must own a boxer.”

More than a trip

A woman went to France on a wine-tasting vacation. Unfortunately, while in the capital city, she drank too much, fell from her hotel window and ended up in a body cast. When she got home, she swore never to get plastered in Paris again.

Quite a spell

“Hello, phone company? I told you my last name is Sweay, but you have it listed in the phone book as Cyiru.”

“I’m sorry, sir. I can’t understand how such a mistake happened. I’ll fix it so that it’ll be correct the next time we publish the directory. Now, how do you spell your name?”

“Just like I told you the last time. It’s S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, and Y as in you.”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.