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Pun Alley 11-4-2011

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Cowboys and cows make appearance

By Dick Frank

Living in the middle of horse country makes it hard for us to realize that Florida’s cattle industry is one of the 15 largest in the United States. In 1521 Ponce de Leon brought horses and cattle to Florida, making it the oldest cattle raising state in the nation.
In addition to ranches, diary farms throughout Florida bring some stories to this week’s Pun Alley.

Sonny’s place
At the turn of the century a cattle baron bought his three boys a ranch near Arcadia to raise cattle. He named it Focus because that’s where the sons raise meat. They kept track of the cows and bulls on a catalyst.

Off the cuff
Cowboys Joe and Fess were resting their horses out in the wilderness near Williston. “What’d Emmaline give yew for yore birthday?” asked Joe.
“Pair of cufflinks,” said Fess. “But I ain’t got no use for them. I can’t even find anyplace to get my wrists pierced.”

Real dude
The lady had come to a dude ranch and was all ready to take her first horseback ride. She said to the cowboy, “Can you get me a nice gentle pony?”
“Shore,” said the cowboy. “What kind of saddle do you want, English or western?”
“What’s the difference?” asked the lady.
“The western saddle has a horn on it,” said the cowboy.
“If the traffic is so thick here that I need a horn on my saddle, I don’t believe I want to ride.”

Romantic
The sun was dropping behind the horizon. The moon was beginning to rise. All was quiet on the farm, and the gentle breeze hinted at romance. The farm boy and the pretty girl from the next farm strolled hand in hand through the pasture. They stopped to watch the calf and its mother rubbing noses.
“I’d like to be doing that,” said the farmer boy wistfully.
“Well, it’s your cow,” said the young lady.
Nevertheless, they eventually got married. Instead of lighting a unity candle at the ceremony, they each poured a little cream from their respective dairies into the same bowl. They were cream-mated.

Bits
Cowboys can get a sickness from riding wild horses. It’s called bronchitis.
The cross-eyed dog kept barking up the wrong tree.
The ranch owner used to sleep in a chandelier. He was a light sleeper.
After a day at the animal auction, he felt like he was a hoarse trader.
The bowlegged cowboy was fired because he couldn’t keep his calves together.
Visitor: “Wow, you have a lot of flies buzzing round your horses and cows. Do you ever shoo them?”
Cowboy: “No we just let them go barefoot.”

Dressed horse
A rancher was trying to sell a horse. After exercising it, he exclaimed to his prospective buyer, “Don’t you admire his coat?”
“His coat is fine,” said the prospect, “but I don’t care for the pants.”

Lotta bull
Back many years ago, two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherited the family ranch. To keep from going broke, they needed to purchase a bull so they could breed their own stock. The brunette took their last $600 and drove north to a ranch where a man had a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving home, she had told her sister, “If I buy the bull, I’ll contact you to come for me and haul it home.”
The brunette inspected the bull and decided to buy it. The man told her the price was $599 firm. After paying him, she drove to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.
At the telegraph office she said, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull. She has to bring our pick-up truck and trailer here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explained, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”
After paying for the bull, the brunette only had $1.00. She realized she’d only be able to send one word. She said, “I want you to send the word, ‘comfortable.’”
The telegraph operator replied, “How is she ever going to know that you want her to bring the pick-up truck and trailer here to haul that bull back if you send the word, ‘comfortable?’”
The brunette explained, “My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slowly.”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.