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Pun Alley 11-18-2011

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Trotting out the turkey

By Dick Frank

Thanksgiving is next Thursday, a day when we all should be thankful for our life, blessings, and liberty in the USA. Many celebrate by having a big turkey dinner with family members they haven’t seen for a while. It’s a day when the turkey gets stuffed in the morning and the family in the afternoon. It can also be a fun day with stories from Pun Alley.

Good hunting
Last year I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey for Thanksgiving. Man, you should have seen the people scatter in the meat department!

Doggin’ it
Every Thanksgiving our family would all get together with relatives even though we could only afford one turkey. We children were all at a separate table, and would have to wait for the platters to reach us after passing by the adults. Even though I longed for some white meat, all too often the turkey would run out before the platters reached us, and I would not even get dark meat. We would have to settle for hot dogs. From that experience, I learned a very valuable lesson in life. “Hope for the breast, but prepare for the wurst.”

Drumsticks
The government officials who talked turkey spoke gobbledygook.
The basketball player sat on the sidelines and sketched turkeys. He was learning to draw fowls.
Did you hear about the conservative turkey? It has two right wings.
The bandleader saved the drumsticks from 38 turkeys because he wanted seventy-six tom bones.
Using a new recipe, John’s wife put the turkey in aluminum foil. She had to roast it until it was brown. Twenty hours later, the aluminum foil was still silver.
When I realized I was addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers, I decided to quit cold turkey.
My wife gave me a haircut this morning. Now, she’s going to make Thanksgiving Day dinner with all the trimmings.
For Thanksgiving, the Poultry Raisers of America are sending the biggest turkey in the country to the White House. The Republicans claim he’s already there.
The hostess served a delicious turkey dinner that tickled all of the guests. She forgot to remove the feathers.
Teacher: “Why do we have a Thanksgiving holiday?”
Student: “So we know when to start Christmas shopping.”
History books tell us the Pilgrims ate wild turkeys. That isn’t so. The turkeys weren’t wild until they found out what the Pilgrims had in mind.
Welcomed guests
A man in living in the corridor area called his son in California and said, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screamed.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the man said. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” Then he hung up.
Frantic, the son called his sister, who exploded on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouted, “I’ll take care of this.”
She called Ocala immediately, and screamed at the old man, “You are not getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, do you hear me?”
The man hung up his phone and turned to his wife. “OK,” he said, “They’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares.”
Fast?
An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. “Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!” They all asked the farmer how it tasted. “Don’t know” said the farmer, “Never could catch the sucker!”
Thanksgiving wishes
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs
Oak Run residents Dick and Jane Frank wish you a happy thanksgiving.