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Pun Alley 10-21-2011

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Lots of hot air

By Dick Frank

On this day in 1783 Pilâtre de Rozier made a free flight in a balloon, reaching a peak altitude of about 3,000 feet and traveling over 5 miles in 20 minutes. Pun Alley celebrates with its own hot air to raise some balloons and hopefully some smiles.

Airborne
A man flying in a hot air balloon was lost. When he spotted a man below, he lowered the balloon and shouted, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below said, “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering thirty feet above this field.”
“You must work in engineering,” replied the balloonist.
“I do,” the man said. “How did you know?”
“Well,” said the balloonist, “Everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no practical use to anyone.”
The man below said, “You must be a corporate manager.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist. “How did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You have the same problem you had before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

Not high enough
At a circus festival a guy in bad clown makeup was creating intricate balloon animals. He was in the middle of twisting something together when a little girl asked, “What are you making?”
He sighed, and said, “Minimum wage.”

Higher
Years ago when I took Ruth to a restaurant for her birthday, they would attach several balloons to her hair that would cause her locks to float in the air. The last time I took her there was a charge for $2.50 for the balloons on my bill. They claim it was necessary because of inflation.

Popped balloons
The lady was charged with public drunkenness after failing a roadside sobriety test. Actually she passed, but then made the mistake of making a giraffe out of the balloon.
The best dog in the world is the hot dog. It feeds the hand that bites it.
The balloon makers formed a union because their work was rapidly expanding.
When my kid does something wrong, I ground him. But the real punishment comes when I connect him to the positive and negative wires.
Hot air balloons are male because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it and, of course, there’s the hot air part.
Today’s politicians should do two terms — one in office and one in jail.
They make a perfect couple. He sells balloons for a living, and she’s full of hot air.
The pelican stuck his head into the light socket and got an electric bill.

More hot air
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. People describing their ailments to the doctor constantly interrupted them.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Ping-pong
A man accidentally swallowed a ping-pong ball and was rushed into surgery for its removal. The patient insisted on having only a local anesthetic so he could watch the operation. He winced a little when the first incision was made, but he didn’t feel it, nor did he feel the next cut or the next. However, he become alarmed at the number of incisions, as the surgeon cut here and there, in what seemed a rather random manner.
“Why do you have to cut in so many places?” he asked, “they don’t seem to be consistent.”
“Well,” replied the surgeon, cutting away, “that’s the way the ball bounces!”
Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.