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Pun Alley 10-11-2013

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Just horsin' around

By Dick Frank

The Ocala Breeders’ Sales Company on Southwest 60th Avenue holds auctions of thoroughbred racehorses several times a year. The next sale will be on Oct. 15 and 16.
If you have never been there, give it a try. It’s interesting to experience the auction and walk through the paddock area to see the many different farms represented and their horses. But don’t start bidding on any horses.
Pun Alley takes us down the track to do some horsing around.

A sure bet
A NYC cab driver picked up a well-to do oriental businessman at JFK airport. On the trip into the city he told the driver he had flown over from Singapore to back one of his own horses in a race at Belmont. His trainer told him that this was the big one and he was positive the horse would win at a big price.
Being an obsessive gambler the cabbie begged the businessman for the horse’s name. The businessman wrote the name on a note and gave it to the cabbie when he paid the fare. The note read, “%*(#.”

None better
An anonymous donor left a modest estate to a small convent. Each nun was given $50 to give away as she saw fit.
Sister Catherine decided to give her share to the first poor person she saw. This happened to be a man leaning against the telephone pole across the street, and he obviously had known better days.
She went out to the man and pressed the $50 into his hands and said, “Godspeed, my good man.”
As she left, the man called out to her, “What is your name?”
Shyly, she replied, “Sister Catherine.”
The following evening, the man returned to the convent and rang the bell. “I’d like to see Sister Catherine,” he said.
The nun at the door answered, “I’m sorry, but I cannot disturb her right now. May I give her a message?”
“Yes,” said the man gleefully. “Give her this $100 and tell her Godspeed came in second at Belmont.”

Some racy stories
One horseplayer to another horseplayer: You said he was a great horse and he sure is. It took 11 other horses to beat him.
Some horses are so polite that when they come to a fence, they stop and let you go over first.
The horse was so slow it ran faster when it became glue.
The tipster said this horse would walk in. It did, but all the others galloped.
After the horse ate all of his hay he had a baleful look about him.
A racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.
Stop me if you’ve heard this story of my horse. It is a tale of whoa.
All horses have six legs - forelegs in front and two in back.
There was the luckless guy who ran out of money and continued to bet the horses mentally. In no time, he lost his mind.
Some horses are in movies. But they have bit parts.
When the horse fell down, he said, “I’ve fallen and I can’t giddy-up.”
A boy was rushed to hospital after he swallowed several toy horses. Doctors described his condition as stable.
She thought it was a real horse, but it was a phony.
A gambler was hiding in the shrubbery next to the racetrack. He was hedging his bets.
A gambler crossed asparagus with horseradish so he would have some hot tips for the racetrack.
A famous horse was named Raspberry Ice because it was a sherbet.
One horse said to yet another one, “I forgot your mane, but your pace is familiar.”

Horse sense
A woman seeking a divorce charged that her husband thinks only of horse racing. He talks horse racing; he sleeps horse racing and the racetrack is the only place he goes. It is horses, horses, horses all day long and most of the night. He doesn’t even know the date of our wedding.
“That is not true, Your Honor,” cried the husband. “We were married the day Dark Star won the Kentucky Derby.”

Hee-haw
This horsemeat scandal just keeps growing. And it isn’t happening only in Europe. According to a new report, donkey meat has been found in hamburgers in South Africa. Consumers said when they were eating the burgers they sensed something was wrong, but they couldn’t quite pin a tail on it.