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Pun Alley 10-07-2011

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Christopher Columbus is good for some laughs

By Dick Frank

Christopher Columbus may have been the greatest politician of all time. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was.
While there he decimated the well being of the majority of the population. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else’s money. Today’s politicians are trying to outdo him. Nevertheless, on Monday we celebrate Columbus Day.
Some believe that when Columbus returned to Spain, he told Queen Isabella that he had reached India. Actually, documents written by Queen Isabella’s official scribe were recently uncovered revealing what he said. His first words were, “I’ll bet I’m the first man who ever got nineteen hundred miles on a galleon.”

Not so hot
The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, “How was Columbus treated when he returned from his third voyage?”
One student said, “Lots of people met him at the pier, and they all had a great time.”
Sternly, the teacher said, “You didn’t read the assignment.”
The student brought the textbook up to the teacher’s desk and showed her where it read, “Columbus received a cool reception when he returned from his third voyage.”

Carrying a tune
Having spent a large part of Spain’s treasury building Columbus’s three ships, Queen Isabella was adamant that the expedition be successful so she spared no expense in providing for the comfort of the crews. Wine, food, spices, and other essentials were to be packed in abundance and singers assigned for entertainment on the long journey.
Just before the launch, the Queen asked her Chief of Foreign Affairs if there was anything she could have forgotten.
“No,” he assured her.
“They have lots of food for the journey?”
“Yes, my Queen.”
“And wine?”
“Yes, Your Majesty.”
“How about entertainment?
“Oh Yes, Your Highness, just as you ordered, sixteen per vessel. That’s four quartets to the galleon.”

Bits and pieces
On Columbus Day, postal workers get the day off because this adventurer is an inspiration to them. His journey also took years to reach a destination.
The Indians gave Chris a bill for docking his boat. Luckily, Columbus was carrying his Discover Card.
I was surprised to see my psychiatrist in the audience of the Grammy awards, and even more surprised when his name was read as the winner for best new music genre. It’s called, “Shrink Rap.”
We all know that Columbus set sail from Europe looking for a sea route to India and ended up in America. Today, ironically, if you make a call from Europe to a company in America, you get to India.”
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
A lady wrote to an advice column in a newspaper: “I have been engaged to a man for some time, but just before the wedding, I found he has a wooden leg. Do you think I should break it off?”

Big bird
In the Appalachian Mountain backwoods there just isn’t anyone hang-gliding. But Zeke saw a magazine article and decided to save up to get a hang-glider. After taking it to the mountain peak near his valley home he ran to the edge and took off into the wind.
Meanwhile, his Maw and Paw were sittin’ on the porch swing when Maw spotted the biggest bird she had ever seen.
“Look at the size of that bird, Paw!” she exclaimed.
Paw stood up, “Git my gun, Maw.”
Maw ran into the house and brought out his shotgun. He took careful aim and fired three times. The monster-size bird continued to sail silently over the treetops.
“I think ya missed him, Paw,” she said.
“Yeah,” he replied, “but at least he let go of Zeke!”

All about nothing
A man passed a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that read NIL. White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.
The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and asked, “Is Nothing Sacred?”
Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.