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Pun Alley 1-25-2013

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This is Healthy Weight and Happiness Week(s)

By Dick Frank

According to the Internet site, Bizarre, Crazy, Silly Unknown Holidays, this is Healthy Weight Week and Hunt for Happiness Week. Somehow the two seem related.

Different viewpoint
A woman was standing nude and looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.”
The husband replied, “Your eyesight’s almost perfect.”

Keep healthy
Sally couldn’t muster the willpower to lose unwanted pounds. One day, watching a svelte friend walking up the driveway, she lamented, “Linda’s so skinny it makes me sick.”
“If it bothers you,” her mother suggested, “why don’t you do something about it?”
“Good idea, Mom,” she replied. Turning to her friend, she called out, “Hey, Linda, have a piece of chocolate cake.”

Chicken?

Mary and her sister have weight problems and are always sharing diet tips. One day her sister was showing her a low-fat cookbook and pointed out a chicken dish she had tried the night before. Reading the ingredients, Mary commented, “It looks like it would taste really bland.”
“It did,” her sister replied, “until I added cheese and sour cream.”

Heard around the Corridor

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour. By the time I leave I look just fine.
Dieting is a way to make the ends justify the jeans.
I stopped buying natural foods when I found out that eighty percent of people die from natural causes.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
I won’t eat organic foods. I need all the preservatives I can get.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they’ll say, “He looks good doesn’t he.”
A diet is when you have to go to some length to change your width.
I joined a health club last year and spent about 400 bucks. I haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
An airline made all the happy people sit at the back and the sad ones sit at the front. They wanted to avoid having any tails of woe.
Old dieters never die; they just waist away.
When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt.
I’ll have three pieces of pie, and a diet Pepsi.
I’m so efficient that I finished my two-week diet in three days.
If at first you don’t recede, diet, diet again.

Cowardly Advice
Farmer Jones’s cows had recently stopped giving good milk. So, he went around asking for advice, and someone told him that happy cows give good milk. Every morning he would tell jokes to his cows and they would all laugh. Everyone else thought that the jokes were pretty stupid. Because of this, his cows became the laughing stock of the town.

Happy meals
Needing to shed a few pounds, Ruth and her husband went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. She followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for their individual plates. They felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful because they never felt hungry. But when they realized they were gaining weight, not losing it, Ruth checked the recipes again. There, in fine print, was “Serves 6.”

Weight a minute
A woman was concerned about the long delay she always endured at her doctor’s office. One day, when her name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. “I need to get your weight today,” said the nurse. Without a moment’s hesitation, the woman replied, “One hour and 5 minutes!”

Eat more vegetables
Cows eat hay and corn. These are vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Consider beer and wine. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into the three categories of animal, mineral, and vegetable. Beer and wine are not animal, and they are not mineral, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.