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Pun Alley 1-13-2012

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Visiting some unlucky people on Friday the 13th

By Dick Frank

Today is the first of three Friday-the-thirteenths in 2012. The next one in April, just before tax day on the 15th, is bound to be unlucky for almost everyone. While the origin of this “holiday” is not known, we do know that people attribute many unlucky happenings to it.
Estimates have been made that 17 to 21 million people in the U.S. are affected by a fear of this day. Some are so fearful that they avoid normal routines in business, taking flights or even getting out of bed. Take a trip down Pun Alley to see what happened to some unlucky people.

Wow!
Fred, Frank and Tommy got a jail sentence for 20 years but got granted one thing to take to jail with them. Fred asked for a gigantic supply of different kinds of booze. Frank asked for every type of all the books in the world and Tommy asked for a 40-year supply of cigarettes.
Twenty years passed. When Fred’s door was opened he was so drunk he fell unconscious next to the guard. When they opened Frank’s door he walked out with a very posh accent; it turned out that he was the smartest person in the world after reading all the books.
When Tommy’s door was opened, he appeared normal, all the cigarettes were still there, and then he asked the officers, “Could I have a lighter please?”

Unbelievable
A man was brought into the emergency room at the local hospital. He had drunk from a bottle marked “poison.” The physician asked, “Why would you drink from a bottle marked ‘poison’?”
The man answered, “Underneath, it said ‘lye,’ so I didn’t believe it!”

Truthful
The businessman complained to his secretary that his son thinks money grows on trees. “Tonight he’s getting a talking to that’ll really get across the value of a dollar.”
“How’d it go?” asked the secretary the next morning.
“Not so good,” he admitted glumly. “Now he wants his allowance in Euros.”
Shorts
A mother, who had just put her little boy to bed, said as she shut the door, “This is one more day when I worked from son-up to son-down.”
The dumb gypsy was told to read palms, but she couldn’t figure out how to climb them.
He was told to take up nude painting. The next day he got pneumonia.
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought, what good would that do?
He’s grateful he’s a schizophrenic. It gives him somebody to talk to.
Michael: “It’s Friday the 13th. Do you have any superstitions?”
Chad: “I think it’s unlucky to have superstitions.”
For every set of horseshoes people use for luck, somewhere in this world there’s a barefoot horse.
“This man fell off an eave on his house and was injured.”
“That’s what he gets for eavesdropping.”
The cost of living is the difference between your net income and your gross habits.
I’ve got bad arthritis, but I can’t kick.
Ever notice how the person who remarks, “Well, that’s the way the ball bounces,” is usually the one who dropped the ball?

Winner
Thomas knew he was born on a Friday the 13th. He was always unlucky; nothing good ever happened to him.
To help him some friends got together and decided to give him some money.
Knowing that he wouldn’t take it as charity, they arranged a drawing in which all the numbers put into the hat would be the same as his. The evening of the drawing came.
Thomas put his hand into the hat to draw the winning number. He pulled out number “7 and a half.”

Just reward
The three-time crook panicked as he surveyed the jury in the courthouse. Positive he’d never beat the murder rap, he had managed to bribe a lady juror with his life savings to go for a manslaughter verdict.
Sure enough, at the close of the trial the jury declared him guilty of manslaughter. Tears of gratitude welling up in his eyes, the crook had a moment with the juror before being led off to prison. “Thank you, thank you. How’d you do it?”
“It wasn’t easy,” she admitted. “They all wanted to acquit you.”
Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.