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Pun Alley 09-16-2011

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Follow the football as it gets passed around

By Dick Frank

Fall is coming. Actually a lot of falls have just started and more are coming. Football season has started with college, high school, and exhibition professional games already being played for several weeks.
Follow the ball as it gets passed down Pun Alley’s own football field. We make it through the goal posts and sometimes the pun police throw the flag.

Backfield in motion
The pro football coach had two players who broke training rules at every opportunity. Finding them missing from their hotel room one night, he went looking for them in the hotel bar. Just as he entered, he glimpsed his two players slipping off to hide in the lavatory. “What’ll you have?” asked the bartender.
“Make it ginger ale,” said the coach, “and see what the backs in the boy’s room will have.”

Miss communication
A Southern university football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston. He went to a large party and saw a pretty co-ed. He said to her, “Where does you go to school?”
The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question. “Yale,” she replied.
The student took a big, deep breath and shouted, “WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?”

Center of attention
The center hated the fact that the quarterback got all the credit, while he took all the hits.
After a hard-fought victory, the press interviewed the center.
“What do you think of John’s performance today?”
Not wanting to say anything detrimental, the center replied, “What can I say, except that I’ve got to hand it to him.”

Broken plays
The coach was marching on the field alongside the band. A majorette threw her baton in the air and then dropped it. A fan yelled, “Hey, I see you coach the band, too.”
Football is a game that takes four quarters to go through a fifth.
The football stadium in Warsaw was torn down because everywhere you sat, you were behind a Pole.
There’s a silver lining for some in Miami. The Heat’s performance in the NBA finals isn’t the most embarrassing sports story in town.
They call it their nickel defense because that’s what it’s worth.
The NFL lockout ended a while ago. All the parties agreed and we have a compromise. It’s too bad the national debt isn’t as important as football.
Most football teams are temperamental. That’s 90 percent temper and 10 percent mental.
A Miami Hurricanes booster said he gave college players cash, jewelry, hookers and a yacht with a wet bar. It really works for recruiting. The new NFL contract is so terrible a lot of the NFL players have decided to go back to school so they can maintain their lifestyle.
“I know I told you that I loved you more than football, honey, but that was during the strike.”
Old quarterbacks never die. They just pass away.
South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier suggested SEC football players should get a $300 stipend per game. Several coaches supported the proposal, but players expressed displeasure with the idea of taking pay cuts.
The university is replacing the Astroturf in its stadium with cardboard because their football team looks better on paper.
One football coach’s lament is that the toughest problem he’s faced in his career always involves offensive alumni.Recently released NCAA transcripts show that some Florida State football players were reading at a second-grade level. At UM they were shocked that there are college football players who actually read.Husband: “Hey, Marie, do you have anything you want to say before the football season starts?”

Running back or lineman?
When the football coach was asked how he evaluated his new recruits, he answered, “It’s easy. I take ‘em out in the woods and make ‘em run. The ones that run round the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run straight into the trees, I turn into linemen.”

Fumble
Tom was reading the paper during breakfast. He saw an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of any intelligence. He turned to his wife Linda and said, “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”
His wife replied, “Why thank you, dear!”
Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.