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Pun Alley 09-02-2011

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Labor Day

By Dick Frank

Labor Day, celebrated since 1882, signifies the end of summer for those who live up north where the weather has already started cooling off. For us it’s a long weekend away from work where we can relax at the beach or join in some fun activities. Make reading Pun Alley one of these fun activities.
A raise from the boss
The nagging wife told her husband that he had not been sufficiently explicit with the boss when he asked for a raise.
“Tell him,” said the wife, “that you have seven children, that you have a sick mother you have to sit up with many nights, and that you have to wash the dishes because you can’t afford a maid.”
Several days later the husband came home and announced he had been fired. “The boss,” he explained, “said I have too many outside activities.”
Vacation
Carol’s daughter had applied for a job and when she returned home, her mother asked how the interview went. She replied pretty good I think, but if I go to work there I won’t get a vacation unless I’m married.
Her mother of course, had never heard of such a thing and asked “is that what they told you?”
She replied, “No they didn’t tell me that, but on the application it said, ‘Vacation time may not be taken until you’ve had your First Anniversary’.”
Laboring
John doesn’t have anything to worry about. His wife takes care of his money, and his mother-in-law tends to his business. All he needs to do is work.
If Ruth works well at a diner, is she being counter productive?
A big company offered $50 for each money-saving idea submitted by its employees. First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to $25.
The reason we never see politicians playing golf is it’s too much like their work, trapped in one bad lie after another.
I wish my friend would learn a trade so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.
The author of a rather obscure play insisted that the theatre let grossly obese people in for free. He wanted his work to be seen by a much wider audience.
Being vague is just as bad as that other thing.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Hard work spotlights the character of people. Some turn up their sleeves. Some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.
“I’m never going to work for that man again.”
“Why, what did he say?”
“You’re fired.’”
A Frenchman bought up the world supply of dried soup and became a bouillonaire.
Hotel Owner: “Did you find any towels in his suitcase?”
Bellhop: “No, but I found a chambermaid in his grip.”
Who?
A man named Dodgin was recently appointed foreman at a factory, but all the employees did not know him. One day while on his rounds he came across two men sitting in a corner, smoking, and stopped near them.
He said, “I’m Dodgin, the new foreman.”
“So are we,” replied the other workers, “sit down and have a smoke.”
Antics
“One little boy said to the other, “Aren’t ants funny little things? They work, and work, and never play.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that,” replied the other. “Every time I go on a picnic they are there.”
Not me
“We want a responsible man for this job,” said the employer to the applicant.
“Well I guess I’m just your man,” said the young fellow. “No matter where I worked, whenever anything went wrong, they told me I was responsible.”
No company
A man was applying for employment and asked the human resources manager, “Does your company pay my medical insurance?”
“No, you pay for it; it’s deducted from your salary,” he was informed.
The applicant said “Last place I worked they paid for it, they give me a life insurance policy, had profit sharing, three-week vacations, and large bonuses.
“Why did you leave?”
“The company folded.”
Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.