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Pun Alley 08-26-2011

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School buses take a ride

By now you should have noticed those large yellow vehicles. Yep, school started last Monday. It’s time to be extra careful as you drive. Watch out for school buses stopping and starting, as well as for children crossing roads and streets.
The buses have been taking a short cut through Pun Alley to drop off some stories.
No more
After the first few days of school the boy said to his mom, “Teacher asked me if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school.”
His mom replied, “That’s nice of her to take such an interest in you. So what did she say when you told her that you’re the only child, my dear?”
“She just said, ‘Thank goodness!’”
Can’t see it
Chris has worn glasses since the age of three. In first grade he came home very distressed so his mother asked, “Chris, what happened today to upset you so much?”
He answered, “It’s not fair. I’m not allowed to go to the library.”
Very concerned his mother asked, “Why aren’t you allowed to go to the library?”
With a tearful reply he said, “Because, in order to go to the library you have to have supervision, and I wear glasses.”
Not alone
“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,” said the sarcastic high school teacher the first day of class.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
“Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” inquired the teacher with a sneer.
“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”
Half there
“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the school secretary on the first day of registration.
“He’s a magician,” said the new boy.
“How exciting. What’s his best trick?”
“He saws people in half.”
“How impressive! Now, do you have any brothers or sisters?”
“Yep, one half brother and two half sisters.”
Short subjects
A high school student landed a part-time job that takes lots of guts. He puts strings on guitars.
Student: “I don’t think I deserved a zero on this test.”
Teacher: “Neither do I, but it’s the lowest mark I can give you.”
Students think their school is haunted. The principal is always talking about the school spirit.
A girl took home a library book whose cover read How to Hug, only to discover that it was Volume VII of an encyclopedia.
It wasn’t school John disliked it was just the principal of it.
Teacher: “Can you tell me how iron was discovered?”
Student: “I heard Dad say that they smelt it.”
A little girl had just finished her first school week. “I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother. “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk.”
Clash of minds
The high school music director said to the cymbal player, “You’re constantly coming in at the wrong time.”
“My entry point gives a much better effect and I won’t play it as written,” the cymbal player said.
Later, the principal asked the music director, “Why did you kick that young musician out of the band?”
“It was a simple case of cymbal disobedience.”
A bad spell
Teaching junior high school English, Mr. Teller stressed the importance of nice clean margins on student papers. One seventh-grade boy said in his essay that he was sorry to write in the margarine. When he graded his paper, Mr. Teller added a little note next to his that said, “Maybe next time you will do butter.”
Moving on
A high school physics teacher had just returned from a summer job as a beach lifeguard. He noted that the best-tanned babes flirted the most throughout the summer, though they never found steady boyfriends. He theorized that a body in lotion trends to stray emotion.
Quarter time
A high school student was looking for some part time work, so he applied at McDonald’s. When the manager hired him he said, “We get a lot of coins in here that are all bent out of shape. Your job will be to straighten them out with a hammer.”
“Great!” the student said. “What’s the job title?”
The manager replied, “Your job title is Quarter Pounder.”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.