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Pun Alley 08-25-2017

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Flowery tales as we help fight against cancer

Today is World Daffodil Day. While primarily celebrated in Australia to raise funds for their Cancer Council’s research, prevention programs, and support for those affected by cancer. It’s a great idea for us too! Your contributions can be sent to the American Cancer Society.* Most of Pun Alley’s flowers have been washed out by the rain, but there are a few flowery tales to start with.

Chickened out

Don was having trouble getting his neighbor to keep his chickens fenced in. The neighbor kept saying the chickens had the right to go where they wanted. Don was having no luck keeping the chickens out of his flowerbeds. But, two weeks later Mary noticed that Don’s flowers were beginning to bloom.

So she asked him how he managed to keep the birds away. “How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard?”

“One night I hid half a dozen eggs under a bush by my flower bed,” Don told her, “and the next day I let my neighbor see me gather them. I wasn’t bothered after that.”

Not rosy

Ralph stopped at a flower shop after work to pick up roses for his wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on his bouquet, another man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses. “I’m sorry,” the clerk said. “This man just ordered our last bunch.”

The desperate customer turned to Ralph and begged, “May I please have those roses?”

“What happened?” Ralph asked. “Did you forget your wedding anniversary?”

“It’s even worse than that,” the man confided. “I crashed my wife’s hard drive.”

Best kept secret

Husbands are the best people for their wives to share a secret with. They won’t tell anyone because they probably don’t even listen.

Balanced?

Joe’s bank provides a sheet to balance their checkbook each month. His wife always seems to come out perfect. Joe stole a peek at the last one, curious as to what her system was, and noticed one strange entry. It said “ESP - $ 57.12.” He asked her what “ESP” was. She said, “Error Some Place.”

Pedals

My mail is a little slow. Last month my flower seeds came as a bouquet.

The balloon makers formed a union because their work was rapidly expanding.

I was thinking about getting a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

You might be dumb if you pick fleas off your dogs and put them in a bag to take them to a flea market.

She’s always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

John thought it was bigamy to make so many women happy.

Every time I hear the dirty word “exercise,” I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

He had an apartment in front and she had a flat behind.

Susan told her no sensible man would take her dancing in her bikini. So she went with a little moron.

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Women are angels. And when someone breaks their wings, they simply continue to fly, usually on a broomstick. They are flexible like that.

The trouble with being a leader today is that you can’t be sure whether people are following you or chasing you.

A Roman centurion went into a bar and ordered a martinus. The bartender asked, “Do you mean a martini?” The centurion said, “Look, if I wanted a double I’d tell you!”

Gold digger

The young lady told her friend she was going to marry a rather eccentric millionaire. “But,” her friend said, “Everyone thinks he’s a little bit cracked.”

“He may be cracked,” the young lady said, “but he certainly isn’t broke.”

Smart?

Here’s a one-question IQ Test to help you decide whether you’re smart: There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one’s teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first.

He opens his mouth and says. “I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses”

If you got this wrong, please rest and call it a day.

*American Cancer Society, P.O. Box 42040, Okalahoma City, OK, 73123-3000. Mention the area you want to contribute to and your gift will be used in that area.