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Pun Alley 07-22-2011

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Some stories in honor of the dog days of summer

By Dick Frank

Everyone knows that Dick and Jane have a dog named Spot. Even though this Dick and Jane like dogs, we don’t have one. But in honor of the Dog Days of Summer, Pun Alley has some spotless stories followed by some doggone ones.

Elvis lives

Andrew’s mother gave him ten dollars to buy lunch for himself and his sister Terri at the diner down the street. On the way they passed a man selling puppies for ten dollars each. Unable to resist, Andrew bought one, named it Elvis, and went home.

While he stayed outside, playing with it, Terri went inside. “Back so soon?” her mother asked.

“Yes,” said Terri. “I’m afraid we never made it to the diner.”

“Why not?”

“Because Andrew spent ten dollars on Elvis.”

“Elvis?”

“That’s right,” explained Terri. “He ate nothin’, bought a hound dog.”

Doggone

When a lady discovered that her dog was not moving she took it to the animal clinic. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

“Are you sure?” the distraught woman asked. “Isn’t there something more you can do?”

The vet brought in a cat and put it by the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and left. Then a Labador Retriever was bought in. The dog walked over to the still animal, sniffed him, hit him with his paw a few times, then quietly turned and walked away.

“Well, that confirms it,” the vet announced. “Your dog is dead.”

Satisfied that the vet had done everything possible, the woman sighed, “How much do I owe you?”

“That will be $330,” the vet replied.

“I don’t believe it!” screamed the woman. “What did you do that could possibly cost $330?”

“Well,” replied the vet, “it’s $30 for the office visit and $300 for the CAT scan and the Lab tests.”

Fire away

A nursery school teacher was delivering an SUV of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”

A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs”, she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”

Doggie bites

The dog that swallowed a watch ended up with a bunch of ticks.

When the cross-eyed dog chased a squirrel in the woods he kept barking up the wrong tree.

Food for bad dogs is bought by the pound.

The dog limped into the old western saloon and said, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

You can tell a dogwood tree by its bark.

One reason the dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

Two new dogs

A girl was visiting her friend who had acquired two new dogs and asked the dogs’ names. The friend said that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

The girl said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“Hellooooo,” she answered, “They’re watch dogs!”

No problem

A man who had been married for ten years consulted a marriage counselor. “When I first married,” he said, “I was very happy. I’d come home from a hard day at work. My dog would race around barking, and my wife would bring me my slippers.

Now everything’s changed. When I come home, my dog brings me my slippers, and my wife barks at me!”

“I don’t know what you’re complaining about,” said the marriage counselor. “You’re still getting the same service.”

Sound answer

A boy visited his uncle on a ranch right in the middle of nowhere, among sand and cactuses in the west. After the sunset, the boy heard strange howling. He got frightened and ran to his uncle. “What is that sound?” the boy asked.

“Those are coyotes.”

“Coyotes? What are they?”

“They look a lot like dogs. In fact, you can consider them a kind of dog.”

The boy wants to know more. “Why are they making that frightening noise?”

“See, nephew, there aren’t many trees around here. All we got are cactuses!”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.