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Pun Alley 07-15-2011

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A little known cow path

By Dick Frank

According to the Internet site, Bizarre, Crazy, Silly Unknown Holidays, tomorrow is Cow Appreciation Day. Just off of Pun Alley is a little known cow path where we see some moving tails, or is it moooving tales?

Lots of cows

A young man visited a small ranch and was walking with one of the ranch hands through the barnyard when he said, “Say, look at that big bunch of cows.”

The hired hand replied, “Not bunch, but herd.”

“Heard what?”

“Herd of cows.”

“Sure, I’ve heard of cows, there’s a big bunch of ‘em right over there.”

Milked for all it’s worth

A farmer was milking a cow when a fly appeared. After circling around the cow’s head, it flew into the cow’s ear. Then a few minutes later, as the farmer continued milking, the fly squirted out into his bucket. Recounting the story, the farmer explained, “It went in one ear and out the udder.”

Retail

The farmer had been taken so many times by the local car dealer that when the dealer wanted to buy a cow, the farmer told him the cost would be $200 for the basic cow, two-tone exterior $45; extra stomach $75; product storage compartment, $60; dispensing device, four spigots at $10 each, $40; genuine cowhide upholstery, $125; dual horns, $15; and automatic fly swatter, $35.

Total price would be $595 not including administrative and product preparation fees.

Cow tales

Cows wear bells because their horns don’t work.

When the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence it was an udder catastrophe.

The cowboy that got fired from his ranch job wasn’t crazy; he was just deranged.

A cow that doesn’t give milk is an udder failure.

A cow’s happiest place on earth is in Cowlifornia, of course.

Holstains are the spots on black and white cows.

Milk of Amnesia comes from a forgetful cow.

When cows go to school they like moosic, psycowolgy, and cowculus.

Spoiled milk comes from pampered cows.

Short story

“Now, son,” the farmer said to the new farmhand, “are you sure you know just how long cows should be milked?”

“Yep,” said the hired help. “Just the same as short ones.”

The Cowboy

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to an Orlando church.

“When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,” Joe began.

“You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a worldlier fellow.

“I walked up the trail to the door,” Joe continued.

“The sidewalk,” Charlie corrected him.

“Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.

“The usher,” Charlie explained.

“Well, the usher led me down the chute,” Joe said.

“You mean the aisle,” Charlie said.

“Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.

“Pew,” Charlie retorted.

“Yeah,” recalled Joe. “That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”

Higher math

A teacher was introducing mathematics to children. She said, “in order to subtract, things have to be the same type. For instance, we couldn’t take three pears from four peaches, or eight horses from ten cats. Do you understand?”

Most of the students understood but one little boy in the rear raised his hand inquiringly.

“Well, Bobby,” asked the teacher, “what is it?”

“Please, teacher,” he said, “couldn’t you take three quarts of milk from two cows?”

Welcome back

Three cowboys were waiting for their friend to show up at the corral with his new car. “I know that smart aleck,” said the first. “He’s gonna start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back.”

“Naw,” the second cowboy replied. “He’ll always be just a good ol’ boy. When he walks in, I’m sure all he’ll say is hello.”

“I know Tex better than either of you,” said the third. “He’s so smart, he’ll figure out a way to do both.”

Just then, the door swung open. “Audi, partners!”

Wordy

The husband showed his wife an article about a study which concluded that men use about 10,000 words per day while women use 20,000 words per day.

“See?” He said. “Women talk twice as much as men.”

“No. Women use twice as many words as men because we have to repeat everything we say.”

“What?”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.