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Pun Alley 06-24-2011

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Taking a trip down the alley with housing experiences

By Dick Frank

While there are some signs that we are recovering from the great recession, we are now experiencing a downturn. Therefore, house values are still in the cellar. Those heavy investors who once were flipping houses are now flipping burgers. Our trip down Pun Alley takes us to some housing experiences.

Swamped with good luck

A couple of months ago Tony entered a contest and won a few acres of low land near the Everglades. Right after that he won a $950,000 house, so naturally he built it on his new land.

Just after he moved there, as he sat on the porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.

Rental perils

A property manager of a single family residence was showing a unit to prospective tenants and asked the usual questions:

“Professionally employed?”

“We’re a military family,” the wife answered.

“Children?”

“Yes, nine and twelve,” she said proudly.

“Animals?”

“Oh, no,” she said earnestly. “They’re very well behaved.”

Sound familiar?

Homeowner: “That’s the lousiest construction I’ve ever seen! Is that because you’re ignorant or apathetic?”

Contractor: “Huh? I don’t know what you mean.”

Homeowner: “Do you know the difference between ignorance and apathy?”

Contractor: “No, but who cares?”

Dead sale

“You must also remember,” said the real estate salesman, “that the death rate in this community is the lowest in the state.”

“I can believe that,” said the potential buyer. “I wouldn’t want to be found dead here myself”

Quips

If you think no one cares you’re alive, miss a couple of house payments.

A maintenance-free house is one where there hasn’t been any maintenance in the last 10 years.

My real estate agent sold me a two-story house - one story before the sale, another after.

If you want to write something that has a chance of living on forever, sign a mortgage.

“Yes, she’s married to a real estate agent and a good, honest fellow, too.”

“My gracious! Bigamy?”

The family had to move into a little two-room kitchenette apartment and had no room for complaint.

Enthusiastic Realtor: “Now, there is a house without a flaw.”

Bostonian: “My gosh, what do you walk on?”

Watered-down reading

A Williston couple has a creek that runs across their property. The wife spends most of her time working on the creek banks, planting flowers, fertilizing, and then keeping the banks clean, because if there’s anything she likes, it’s to weed a good brook. Of course, she also reads that popular monthly magazine, Weeders’ Digest.

Cut that out!

A policeman bought a house with a yard that was in terrible shape, full of weeds, and rocks. But in no time he had it healthy, green and beautifully manicured.

His neighbors got together and cited him for restoring lawn order.

Bridge partners?

A San Francisco man, gambling like mad in the housing market and losing everything when the market collapsed, arrived home one evening quite desperate. His wife, who knew nothing about his failures, said, “Will it be all right if I go out this evening? This is my bridge night.”

“If you wait a minute,” the husband said, “I’ll go with you and we’ll jump together.”

Go for it

A couple that recently lost their house saw an ad in the paper for a house for $1,000 in the nicest part of town. They thought this had to be a misprint, but called anyway. The lady who answered the phone said that the $1,000 price was not a misprint.

The couple drove to the house and found the most beautiful house on the block. Inside, the house was huge and it had marble imported from Italy and a chandelier imported from France.

The couple said, “This is the most beautiful house we had ever seen, what’s the catch?”

The lady assured the couple there was no catch. She said, “The house is completely paid for, and not a penny is owed against it. Last week I got a call from my husband. He informed me he is leaving me for his secretary. He then told me I could have everything we own as long as he could have the proceeds off the sale of the house. I agreed and he asked me if I could sell the house while he and his new girlfriend hung out in the Caribbean.”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.