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Pun Alley 06-17-2011

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Wedding stories for the month of June

By Dick Frank

June has always been the most popular month for a wedding, for it is named after Juno, Roman goddess of marriage. She would bring prosperity and happiness to all who wed in her month. After June, August is next, followed by May.

May, however, was considered unlucky. “Marry in May and rue the day,” an old proverb goes. But “Marry in September’s shine, your living will be rich and fine.”

Before the ceremony

“Mother, I can’t marry him,” moaned the love-stricken girl. “Last night he told me he was an atheist and he doesn’t believe in Hell.”

“Now you go right ahead and marry him,” replied the mother, “and between the two of us we’ll show him he’s wrong.”

Mother’s advice

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, “I’ve found a man just like father!”

Her mother replied, “So what do you want from me, sympathy?”

Father’s advice

Father: “There’s plenty of time for Bessie to think of getting married. Let her wait till the right man comes along.”

Mother: “I don’t see why she should wait that long. I didn’t when I was her age.”

Good taste

“Dearest, will you marry me?”

“I’m sorry,” she said, “the answer is no. But I shall always admire your taste.”

Wedding

At a wedding a boy was intrigued by the bride and groom lighting a single candle with their candles and then blowing out their own. His Mom asked him, “You know what it means, don’t you?”

His response: “No more old flames?”

Wedding Heat

A woman from Moss Bluff was being married in a small old church just outside of town when she ran out of the church in the middle of her own wedding. She said, “too hot,” and threw off her headdress and ran out the side door with a very determined expression on her face.

Members of the wedding party spent the rest of the afternoon and much of the evening searching for the woman, who was still believed to be wearing her bride’s dress, but without avail.

A Roaring Good Time

A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would stop and turn to the bride’s side or groom’s side, put his hands up like claws and roar, repeatedly all the way down the aisle.

Later, when asked what he was doing, he said, “I was the Ring Bear.”

After the ceremony

The bride wanted to disguise the fact that they were honeymooning and asked her husband while on the plane if there was any way they could make it appear that they had been married for a long time.

“Sure,” said the husband, “you carry the bags.”

Foolish love

“And you tell me several men proposed marriage to you?” he said savagely.

“Yes, several,” the wife replied.

“Well, I wish you had married the first fool who proposed.”

“I did.”

Judgment

After an argument over a certain investment the husband said, “But you must admit that men have better judgment than women.”

“Oh, yes,” replied the wife. “You married me, and I married you.”

Offhanded remarks

First year is the paper anniversary. After one year you’re beaten to a pulp.

Before marriage a man thinks nothing is good enough for his wife; after marriage he still thinks nothing is good enough for her.

Give a woman an inch and she’ll think she’s a ruler.

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg or a goose egg depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Give a husband enough rope, and he’ll want to skip.

Marriage is like a railroad sign. You see a lovely girl and stop. Then you look. And after you’re married you listen.

A pretty girl is like a melody; after you marry her you have to face the music.

The girl who marries a man to mend his ways is apt to find out that he isn’t worth a darn.

One girl to another: “They are made for each other. He owns oil wells and she’s always gushing.”

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the “y” becomes silent.

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.