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Pun Alley 06-10-2011

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Some racy stories on the eve of the Belmont

By Dick Frank

The running of the Belmont Stakes tomorrow brings to an end this year’s Triple Crown series. While there will be no Triple Crown winner, most fans have been expecting a runoff between Animal Kingdom and Shackleford.

Since the Preakness I have had my ear to the ground listening for horses but have only come up with some racy stories.

Give me your answer

The husband and wife were having breakfast with the husband reading the morning newspaper. “You had a very restless night, dear,” said the wife, “and what’s more you kept murmuring a woman’s name in your sleep. Now, tell me, who is Daisy?”

“Oh-er,” he stammered, “the fact is Daisy is the name of a filly I backed yesterday. It won, 10-to-1.”

In the evening, at the dinner table, his wife once again returned to the attack. “By the way,” she said, “you know that horse you backed yesterday? Well, she telephoned this afternoon.”

No saddle – no nuttin’

One of the world’s most famous horse riders was Lady Godiva. In her most celebrated ride, Lady Godiva didn’t win, nor even place, but she sure did show.

They say that when Lady Godiva’s horse saw she had no clothes on, it made him shy.

Fast

A man from Idaho breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but which he entered for a race. The horse won easily and paid a whopping price. The racing stewards did not like how this looked and questioned the owner. “Is this horse unsound?” they asked.

“Not a bit,” said the owner.

“In that case,” asked the stewards, “why have you never raced him before?”

“Mister,” said the man from Idaho, “we couldn’t even catch the critter until he was five years old.”

Little bits

A boy was rushed to hospital after he swallowed several toy horses. Doctors described his condition as stable.

The depressed horse told a tale of whoa.

A novice asked a jockey, “What’s the best way to mount a horse?”

“How should I know?” replied the irritable jockey. “I’m not a taxidermist.”

She thought it was a real horse, but it was a phony.

The tipster said the horse would walk in. It did, but all the others galloped.

Horses can’t dance because they have 2 left feet.

The superstitious jockey who always competed at the same place had a one-track mind.

After the horse ate all of his hay he had a baleful look about him.

“Will I ever be able to race my horse again?” the owner asked the vet.

The vet replied, “You certainly will, and you’ll probably beat her too!”

A racehorse’s life is always on track.

A gambler was hiding in the shrubbery next to the racetrack. He was hedging his bets.

Quarter horses are called that because their bridles have two bits

Saddle sore by Thor

The ancient Greek mythological god of thunder, Thor, went for a ride on a horse. “I’m Thor!!” he thundered. The horse answered, “No wonder you’re Thor. You forgot the thaddle, thilly.”

By the 5’s

On May 5th a man woke up at 5:55 in the morning. The temperature was 55 and the humidity 55%. On his way to work his car had 55,555.5 miles on the odometer. At his office on the 5th floor his phone had five messages.

It dawned on him. He rushed to the racetrack. His ticket was $5 and he was put in section 5, row 5, seat 5. In the fifth race there was a horse called, “Double Nickels.” He bet his entire bank account and maxed out all credit cards. “Double Nickels” came in fifth.

Defeat?

“Mother,” said a little boy after coming from a walk. “I’ve seen a man who makes horses.”

“Are you sure?” asked his mother.

“Yes,” he replied. “He had a horse nearly finished. When I saw him, he was just nailing on his feet.”

A long shot

A man explaining to his wife why he was home late from the racetrack said, “I bent down to tie my shoe and some nearsighted guy put a saddle on me.”

“What did you do?” asked the wife.

The man replied, “I came in tenth.”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.