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Pun Alley 05-13-2011

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Taking the plunge

By Dick Frank

The snowbirds have gone home and the Easter visits by children and grandchildren are over. Swimming pools in the retirement communities have returned to normal where we natives can relax around the pools and contemplate life. I wound up thinking about swimming and water activities; we plunge off of Pun Alley into the nearest water.

Alone in the water

A banker fell overboard from a friend’s sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, “Can you float alone?”

“Obviously,” the banker replied, “but this is a heck of a time to talk business.

White water

A while back the White House agents found that the president was using the pool more often than usual. Every day at 5 p.m. he would change into his bathing duds, jump in the pool and dive to the bottom, staying there for as long as his lungs could hold. When he came up he would take another breath and repeat the procedure repeatedly until he was ready to faint. Then he would crawl out of the pool and continue with his day’s work.

After about a week of this the agents started worrying about the president’s mental stability. One of the agents finally mustered up the courage and consulted him on the reason behind his odd behavior.

“Well” said the president, “One of my staff members recently told me that deep down I’m not so stupid.”

Splashes

If a gang of robbers dove into a swimming pool it would cause a crime wave.

Mother fish to school of baby fish, “Your father, may he rest in peace, was considered quite a catch.

Old swimmers never die; they just have a stroke.

A pharmaceutical company developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent. The FDA refused to license it. Seems it was habit forming.

The vegetarian swimmer didn’t stay in competition for very long because he didn’t like the meets.

The guy who gave marijuana to seagulls left no tern unstoned.

An inebriated man taking a dip in a Scotland tourist spot was arrested for being intoxicated while swimming in the loch. He was charged with public drunk in Ness.

To win a relay race, swimmers must pool their efforts.

A swimming race is never run.

After Chopin finished composing the Minute Waltz, he thought he could do better, so he wrote a second waltz.

Ghosts swim in the Dead Sea and Lake Erie.

The blonde stayed up all night to see where the sun went. It finally dawned on her.

Chow

At one time there was a Sea Scout camp outside of Norfolk, Virginia. It was so close to the beach that the porpoises could be seen swimming in to shore at dinnertime. The camp’s chef would announce the meal by yelling, “It’s chow time for all in tents and porpoises!”

Bull

A woman, while touring a small South American country attended a bullfight. The guide told her, “Señorita, this is our number one sport.”

The horrified woman said, “Isn’t that revolting!”

“No, Señorita,” the guide replied, “That’s our number two sport.”

Stay dry

The Great Lakes laboratory stationed at a local college employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. It was common knowledge that the captain couldn’t swim. When newcomers learned of this, they would approach him about it. “Is it true?” one of them asked incredulously. “You, a boat captain, can’t swim?”

“No, I can’t,” he replied. “Can pilots fly?”

All wet

Three hillbillies on their first leave from the Army went to St. Louis on a weekend and stopped at the YMCA. After visiting the game rooms, they asked at the information desk what else the Y had to offer. “There’s swimming in the basement,” said the clerk.

This seemed to impress them. They withdrew to a corner and got into a discussion. Finally one of them went back to the desk and said, “Did I understand you that there was women in the basement?”

Heads up

The Coast Guard received a mayday message: “Help! We’re in the water!”

“Capsize?” the radio operator asked.

After a long silence, the voice answered, “Six and seven-eighths. Why?”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.