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Pun Alley 04-15-2011

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Some sick stories from a recent doctor’s visit

By Dick Frank

This coming Monday is that day we all dread when income tax is due. I just did mine. It made me so sick I wound up in my doctor’s office. While patiently waiting for my appointment I pondered a number of sick stories.

Hard to take

A man went to the doctor with a badly swollen ankle. After a careful examination, the doctor gave the man a pill big enough to choke a horse. “The nurse will bring you some water,” the doctor told him.

When the nurse didn’t show up right away the man hobbled out to the drinking fountain, forced the pill down his throat and gobbled down some water. He hobbled back into the examining room. Then the nurse came in with a bucket of warm water. “OK, after the tablet dissolves, soak that ankle for at least 30 minutes.”

Medical opinion

A blonde was having sharp pains in her side. The doctor examined her and said, “You have acute appendicitis.”

The blonde yelled at the doctor, “I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!”

Smart doctor

In the old days before insurance and high doctor bills, the village doctor, hoping to ease the usual difficulty of securing payment from his patients, posted a sign in his waiting room:

$10 for the first visit. $8 for the second visit. $5 for all subsequent visits.

When a total stranger went to the doctor he read the sign and said, “Well, here I am again for the third visit.”

The doctor looked at him and stated, “You’re looking just fine. Continue with the same treatment. That will be $5.”

Quickies

Gently massaging the trick knee of his attractive young patient, the doctor inquired, “What’s a joint like this doing in a nice girl like you?”

When the doctor specialized in plastic surgery he raised a few eyebrows.

 “I’m worried. My girl is running around with that new doctor in town.”

“Feed her an apple a day.”

After rubbing me down with salt, the doctor hung me in the barn and said I’d be cured in three months.

I tried to call someone from a pay phone but I put in my donor card instead of my calling card. Cost me an arm and a leg.

“Do you think raw oysters are healthy?” asked a lady of her physician.

“Yes,” he replied, “I never knew one to complain.”

A retired railroad employee who visits train yards every day because he’s passionate about train engines, is driven to it by a loco-motive.

“This tonic is no good.”

“What’s the matter?”

“All the directions it gives are for adults, and I never had them.”

I thought my headaches were due to my allergy to milk, but the doctor seems to think it was my grain.

Always the others

“Everybody I meet is so irritating,” a tense, nervous patient complained to her doctor. He prescribed a tranquilizer and told her to come back in a week and let him know how she was feeling.

“Have you noticed any change in your mental attitude?” he asked on her next visit.

“None at all,” she replied. “I feel just the same, but I’ve noticed that other people are acting a lot better.”

Possession

A distraught man went to a psychiatrist and exclaimed, “Doctor, I believe that I am possessed by an evil spirit.”

After talking to the patient, the psychiatrist said, “You appear to have a problem. I’d like to see you again next Wednesday.” After a second session of psychotherapy, the psychiatrist pronounced his patient completely cured.

For the next nine months, the psychiatrist sent the man a monthly statement for his professional services, but the man wouldn’t pay and refused to acknowledge the debt.

Finally, the psychiatrist took the man to court and had him repossessed.

Touchy

A brunette went to the doctor and as she touched every part of her body with her finger she said, “Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!”

The doctor asked, “Where you ever a blonde?”

“Yes I was.” she replied. “Why do you ask?”

The doctor answered, “Because your finger is broken!”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.