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Pun Alley 04-08-2011

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Taking a look at taxes

By Dick Frank

It’s often been said that death and taxes are both certain. However, death isn’t annual. That national day of reckoning comes again April 18 when your income tax is due. Even if you still have to do your tax return, stop and take a trip down Pun Alley. It may be the only chance you get to have a laugh before April 18.

Literary genius

When the stockbroker was being audited he showed up with all his financial records. He then sat for what seemed like hours as the IRS accountant pored over them and finally commented, “You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.”

“Why would you say that?” wondered the broker.

“Because you’ve made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career.”

By the letters

On day three of the corporate tax fraud trial, the star witness began to recant his story. “Were you aware that both the FBI and the IRS intended to investigate this CPA, starting ASAP?” the attorney asked.

“Not initially.”

Blankety blank

On the movie set, the special effects guy explained a prop gun to the famous blond actress and said, “For the last time, if you point this gun and shoot it, no one will get hurt. It’s filled with blanks. When have you ever heard of anyone getting killed by a blank?”

The actress replied, “My husband, last year, when he filled out our tax forms.”

Short forms

It’s fitting that April 14 is National Pecan Day because on that day we recognize nuts. And then on April 15 we pay our taxes to support them.

Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.

The average man now lives 31 years longer than he did in 1850. He has to in order to pay his taxes.

According to the Internal Revenue Service, America is the land of untold wealth.

Psychologists say no person should try to keep too much to himself. The Internal Revenue Service is of the same opinion.

There’s a “tax cocktail” at the bars - two drinks and you withhold nothing.

Illinois Governor Pat Quinn signed the death penalty bill recently. Quinn opposes lethal injections, but still favors taxing people to death.

When you put the two words “the” and “IRS” together it spells “theirs.”

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

An income tax form is like a laundry list; in both instances you lose your shirt.

It used to be that death and taxes alone were inevitable. Now there’s shipping and handling.

The tax collectors take up so much of your earnings to balance the budget that you just can’t budget the balance.

When making out your tax return, it’s better to give than to deceive.

During the recent health care debate one senator was making a speech and said, “Now, ladies and gentlemen, let me tax your memories.”

Another senator jumped up and said, “Why haven’t we thought of that before?”

Million-dollar smile

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who exclaimed, “We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.”

“Thank God,” returned the taxpayer, “I thought you were going to want cash.”

Whoops

Called in for an audit, Mr. Eaton was confronted by a surly IRS agent. “It says here, Mr. Eaton, that you are a bachelor; yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake.”

Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Eaton replied, “Yup, it surely was.”

Taxing

A tax attorney took on a very complex case of tax evasion. He familiarized himself with every loophole and angle of current legislation, and made a brilliant argument before the court. His client was called out of town when the jury returned with its verdict, a sweeping victory for his client. Flushed with victory, the lawyer exuberantly texted his client, “Justice has triumphed!”

The client immediately texted back, “Appeal at once.”

Oak Run residents Dick and Jane are no storybook characters; they have to pay taxes like everybody else.