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Pun Alley 03-04-2011

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Taking a funny look at a ‘timely’ subject

By Dick Frank

Daylight saving time begins a week from this Sunday when we have to set our clocks forward one hour. We all lose an hour of sleep, and those who forget find themselves at church, or the golf course an hour late. This can be embarrassing, but not catastrophic, and is funny to those who observe it. Pun Alley just has to look at this timely subject.
German time
While daylight saving time has been a U.S. custom for many years, it was started in Germany by Konrad Addanhour who was Chancellor of West Germany from 1949–1963.
The great timekeeper
When Alexander the Great went into battle his troops all attacked at the same time. Each solder would tie a rag around his wrist and wet it just before sunrise. As the sun came up the rag would dry and when completely dry the troops would attack. It became known as Alexander’s Rag Time Band.
Lost, but making good time
Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality; their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, “He who has a Tates is lost!”
Timeless remarks
A scientist, trying to prove his theorem, was doing an experiment with liquid chemicals when he fell into the vat and became part of the solution.
The police chief said, “The only thing I can tell you boys in the press is that all the shoes and purses stolen by the shoplifting ring are being held as accessories to the crime.”
I don’t mind going to daylight saving time. With this economy, the hour will be the only thing I’ve saved all year.
You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, but a smart girl knows how to get a mink out of an old goat.
The motto of daylight saving time came from watching a jack-in-the-box: spring a head.
The man went to the doctor because he heard music every time he put on his hat. The doctor fixed everything. He took out the band.
The smallest man who fought in the Civil War was a soldier who slept on his watch.
Counterfeit money arrests are at a five-year high. Apparently there is one group in particular that is printing all kinds of worthless money: the U.S. Treasury.
Birds of prey spend all their time on their knees.
The parachute manufacturer whose product was deemed defective accused the unhappy users of jumping to conclusions.
Wishing well
A police officer led a woman away from a wishing well handcuffed and holding a suitcase in the other hand. The woman said, “Really, officer. I don’t know where that suitcase full of heroin came from! All I wished for was a big bust.”
Up the creek
Two families of amicable wildebeests lived in an African forest. They often enjoyed picnicking together. However, each family had one young mischief-maker, though each mother was convinced that her own little child was innocent and that the other was the troublemaker.
“You should punish that rascally brat of yours,” shrilled one of the mothers. “A sound spanking might do him some good.”
“Spank my son, indeed,” huffed the other. “Why don’t you go paddle your own gnu?”
Timely reward
Benny: “My grandpa knew the exact day of the year and the exact time of day he was going to die.”
Louie: “Wow, that’s incredible. How did he know all of that?”
Benny: “A judge told him.”
In Dutch
We all remember the story of the Dutch boy who was walking along the dike when he saw a small hole through which water was escaping. He put his finger into the hole until workers arrived to repair the dike. That evening a party was held to celebrate his saving the village and he was asked to make a speech. He refused, saying, “I’m sorry, but I had a hard day at the orifice.”
Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.