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Pun Alley 02-11-2011

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Cupid visits on Valentine's Day

By Dick Frank

Monday is Valentine’s Day. The greeting card industry estimates that more than one billion cards will be exchanged along with an innumerable amount of roses, chocolates, and other assorted gifts used to express feelings of affection for each other.

There’s still time for you to go out and get your sweetheart an expression of your love. Cupid’s visit to Pun Alley left some lovely stories as well some others when Cupid was slinging pointy barbs instead of arrows.

Pick One

A young Italian man excitedly told his mother he had fallen in love and is going to get married. He said, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”

The mother agreed. The next day, he brought three beautiful women into the house. They all sat down on the couch and chatted for a while.

“Okay, Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.”

“The one on the right.”

“That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. How did you know?”

“I don’t like her.”

Fancy that

Two men who haven’t seen each other for many years met on the street. One asked the other how things have been.

“Wonderful, for a while,” the other said. “I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman. Then, one day, poof! It was all gone.”

“What a shame,” the friend remarked. “What happened?”

The other man replied, “My wife found out.”

Arrows and barbs

Alice: “I was quite upset when Jack kissed me.”

Mary: “Oh, You’ve been kissed before.”

Alice: “Yes, but never in a canoe.”

Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

Helen: “Why are you going to marry that police captain?”

Judy: “It is against the law, you know, to resist an officer.”

Tennis players don’t marry because love means nothing to them.

Tom: “The girl you were speaking to seemed rather cold to you.”

Jack: “Yes; she’s an old flame.”

Cosmetics are a woman’s way of keeping men from reading between the lines.

Carol: “My friend Maud is only 25, but she’s been married three times. And all her husbands have been named William.”

Betty: “You don’t say! Why, she must be a regular Bill collector.”

He: “I’m thinking of asking some girl to marry me. What do you think of the idea?”

She: “It’s a great idea, if you ask me.”

Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved atall.

Father: “What are the young man’s intentions, daughter?”

Daughter: “Well, he’s been keeping me pretty much in the dark.”

Eskimo Lover: “What would you say if I told you I had come a hundred miles through ice and snow with my dog team, just to tell you I love you?”

Eskimo Sweetie: “I’d say that was a lot of mush.”

He: “If you don’t marry me I’ll jump off a three hundred foot cliff.”

She: “Sounds like a lot of bluff to me.”

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”

She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

Joyce: “She certainly is polished, don’t you think so?”

Donna: “Yes. Everything she says casts a refection on someone.”

Boring husband: “Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?”

Bored wife: “Because I married the wrong man!”

Back issues

Tom moved in with his girlfriend and her enormous collection of old magazines. They took up an entire room in the apartment.

After an argument over the stacks, Tom proclaimed, “It’s me or the magazines,”

When she refused to part with any of them, he left and told his friends, “She just had too many issues.”

Every woman’s dream

Phil, a smart and handsome young man, walked into this local bar. He noticed a woman gazing at him. He felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, “I’ll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just $10 but on one condition.”

The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, “What’s your condition?”

Phil answered, “Tell me your wish in just three words.”

The woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to Phil along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, “Clean my house.”

Dick and his sweetheart, Jane, live in Oak Run.