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Pun Alley 02-04-2011

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This weekend’s puns talk about football

By Dick Frank

The NFC and AFC champions were crowned nearly two weeks ago. Their preparation is almost complete for Sunday’s Super Bowl to be held in Cowboys Stadium in Arlington, Texas. Comments about both the Green Bay Packers and Pittsburgh Steelers, as well as other teams, both professional and college, have made their way to the mini football game held down the middle of Pun Alley.

A Voice in the Darkness

The Seven Dwarfs were marching through the forest when they fell in a deep, dark ravine. Snow White, who was following along, peered over the edge of the steep chasm and called out to the fallen dwarfs. From the deep depths a voice returned, “The Dolphins are Super Bowl contenders.”

Snow White thought to herself, “Thank God, at least Dopey’s survived.”

Parking Tickets

A man had four tickets to a Dallas Cowboys football game. He went to a mall to do some shopping the day before the game. He parked and locked his car in the parking lot, with the four game tickets lying on the dashboard. As he walked out of the mall, it looked like someone had broken into his car. And when he got to it, his worst fears were confirmed. His car had been broken into and someone had left four additional Cowboys tickets.

Financial Reward

After another losing season, the press asked the college coach why he kept the bad quarterback Sid Chu on the team.

“It’s simple,” he said. “The school gets a lot money from the Asians, and I’ve got to use Sid to keep them happy.” The moral, he said, was that when the player graduated, he’d never get stuck with a no win Sid Chu, Asian again.

Scrimmages

The Packers players almost missed their flight for the NFC championship game because they were stuck on a broken escalator.

The Buffalo Bills are like a possum because they played dead at home and got killed on the road.

The Steelers quarterback won’t be able to make any phone calls because he can’t find the receiver.

Football incorporates the two worst elements of American society - violence punctuated by committee meetings.

The Steelers offensive line is so good that even their backs can’t get through it.

Cinderella was a poor football player because she had a pumpkin for a coach.

Freshman at first practice: “I’m a little stiff from bowling.”

Coach: “I don’t care where you’re from. Get out there and get going.”

I made some great runs on the gridiron and never spilled a drop.

The Packers employ their famous “Doughnut Defense,” the one with the big hole in the middle.

In fairness to the Falcons, one could say that they’re the cream of their profession: they’re always getting whipped.

Neighbor: “They tell me your son is on the college football team. Do you know what position he plays?”

Proud Mother: “I’m not sure, but I think he is one of the drawbacks.”

A college football coach kicked two players off the team after police found 38 marijuana plants growing in their rental house. They got back on the team when they proved the evidence was planted.

Animal Super Bowl

Last night the big animals and the little animals completed against each other in their own Super Bowl. The big animals crushed the little animals during the first half. At the intermission the losing coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5-yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?”

“I did,” said the centipede.

“Who stopped the rhino?”

“That was me too,” said the centipede.

“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”

“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.

“So where were you during the first half?” demanded the coach.

“Well,” said the centipede, “I was tying my shoes.”

Bad Position

The football player sat on the bar stool, his expression gloomy.

“Hey, why so down?” the bartender asked. “I read that you just got engaged.”

Nah, it’s off,” said the player. “She admitted she loved another man.”

“No kidding”

“Last night, she told me she’d be true to the end.”

The bartender asked, “What’s wrong with that?”

“I’m the quarterback.”

Dick and his wife Jane live in Oak Run.